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No. 30441
>>188056
Wow, total fail on my part.
[7:54:01 PM] Crazy Gristle-ite: BTW, Yoda's Secret Sex Life, was that something you made?
[7:54:52 PM] Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto: How did you know?
[7:55:04 PM] Crazy Gristle-ite: You sent it, remember?
[7:55:12 PM] Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto: Oh yeah.
And tell me if this hasn't been leaked yet:
The Secret Sex Life of
Jedi Master Yoda
by Anthony “A-Log” LoGatto
There is a lot of freaky shit going on in a galaxy far, far away.
Many fans of the famed Star Wars series will always say that the Sith would commit any sort of sin against humanity. Among the more fucked up things the Empire has done was Darth Vader fucking his daughter, Princess Leia (and then revealing it to her afterwards); Emperor Palpatine having sex with the deceased corpses of the Jedi padwan, as well as several younglings from the Sith; several Stormtroopers being fired over raping several Twi'leks, including Aayla Secura's last moments; as well as some members having a Wookie fetish. But many of you should be surprised that the Sith aren't the only ones that have unrequited sexual desires.
Sure, the Jedi are pure and righteous, but there's at least one Jedi master who has a much more freakier side of the force. No, he isn't Obi Wan Kenobi nor Luke Skywalker. Han Solo may have had a few good times with some alien chicks, as does his companion Chewbacca. The less we can say about C3PO and R2D2 the better. This hidden sexual beast is around 4' tall, has a green complexion, sounds like Grover at 70, speaks in an unusual speaking pattern... and is hung like a horse.
Yes, that is right; one of the most pure of the Jedi knights has a freaky side! Jedi master Yoda has had sex with many maidens across the galaxy, and he's the only one of his kind who didn't explode afterwards. In case you're wondering, whenever his species has sex at around 900 years old, they usually explode after ejaculating. (Although, several do catch their breath before they explode.) It does get disgusting trying to clean up the cum and guts all over the floor, but so far, Yoda hasn't reached that point yet at his age.
For most of his life, Yoda has led this double life as a highly respectable Jedi master, while still keeping his sex life a secret to most. Our source, who asked not to be identified despite her recognizable cinnabun hairstyle, told us in candid detail about how she was intimate with the shortest Jedi master and how he used the Force on her.
“I still remember it like it was yesterday,” the anonymous source told us in an exclusive interview. “Master Yoda called me into his chambers after recovering Luke from the Empire. He wanted to congratulate me for leading the attack. But then..” she struggles to regain her composure, despite noticing that her breasts were heaving inside of her dress, “He started to hit on me. He used the Force to grope me. He used his powers to caress my breasts and caused me to orgasm several times by his touch.”
Catching her breath on her memories of the incident, she continues by saying, “He then got me to lay down on his bed and used the Force to spread my legs apart. As he did, he lifted up his robe to reveal his most private of parts. It was huge! It was as big a tauntun's! About eighteen or so inches, if I recall correctly! He then asked me, 'Judge me by my size, you do?' and he inserted the entire thing inside me. I've never felt like this before; I'm being filled by an alien who is smaller than me, but hung like a monster!”
From our research, the line, “Judge me by my size, you do?”, wasn't the only line he used on many a woman. Among the rest are:
* “Hm? Put a shield on my saber I must!”
* “Do me or do me not. There is no try!”
* “Feel the force! Feel the force! Feel the force you will!”
* “You know, this would feel a lot better without Frank Oz's hand up my ass!”
* “Early I must rise. Leave now, you must.”
And of course...
* “Who's your Jedi master! Who's your Jedi master, bitch!”
We've also have proof that he also used the Jedi mind trick on several females across the galaxy. He has used this tactic whenever a girl refuses to give him a BJ, but after a wave of his hand and a reverse pattern of words, the girls come to him like candy.
There has also been evidence of Yoda's visits to the palace of one Jabba the Hutt. We all know that Jabba has been referred to as the “Hugh Hefner of the Galaxy”, but it does make him look the fool whenever Yoda comes in the room. Yoda has been seen hitting on several of his slaves/dancers throughout his palace of perversion. From busty Twi'leks to scaly Rodians, Yoda was able to tap every ass in the palace. Among them were Greeata Jendowanian and Lyn Me, two of the top dancers and members of the Max Rebo Band. And yes, even the punk rocker of the group, Rystall Sant. Sy Snootles, however, was a little difficult for him to pork due her species' unusual sexual anatomy.
But it does lead us to one perplexing question: has Yoda used his meatsaber to actually impregnate any of the women he's encountered? Well, it's a hit or miss. Due to the sheer size of his cock, it's a miracle he can fit it in without impaling his lover. Not to mention he would rather shoot the intergalactic splooge onto his lover's face, breasts or buttocks than let it go inside their cooch. It appears that he doesn't want to father illegitimate children, and frankly, we at O3LD are not surprised; especially the fact that Yoda cannot find a condom that big to fit his not-so-little green thing.
It's already bad enough that Yoda also has a drinking problem, but his sexual appetite have been making the Jedi knights look questionable... even more than usual after the scandal years ago with the molesting of young padwans. (Yoda still denies his involvement in that matter to this day.) To make matters worse, he has also used his powers of the Force to slap those who are out of line, calling it the Jedi Pimp Slap. Let that image of a small green being in pimp clothing, as well doing the lingo, sink in, and you'll see what I mean.
“I still can't believe that little freak fucks all of my bi-atches!” Jabba the Hutt bellowed through his interpreter. “I am supposed to be the pimp daddy of the galaxy, but this diminutive Jedi master with a horse's cock is better than me?! Impossible!” And then he ate the interpreter in anger.
Darth Vader also had this to say: “That little green bastard has scored with more women than I have raped as a part of the empire! I may have been burned in over 90% of my body, but at least I know that my meatsaber still works!” Many of the Jedi council are concerned about Yoda's activities outside of the council, and wished for him to try and settle down for once.
When O3LD caught up with Yoda, he told us, “Give a shit, I do not! Horny I am! Laid, I must get! My bitches get away from!” For a little guy, he sure does know how to use his pimp hand. Not to mention that he has gotten in trouble for lascivious ways; a year ago, he nearly got the snot kicked out of him by Chewbacca for sleeping with his wife... despite the fact that Yoda was fucked by him years before during the Clone Wars in his time on Chewie's homeworld. (In case you're wondering, that was a deleted scene in Episode III, as well as a scene between R2-D2 and a mailbox.) He was experimenting, and he didn't see another woman there due to the Wookie's similarities towards each other.
To reiterate, there is some freaky shit going on in a galaxy far, far away... it's just that the freak in question is a little smaller in height than you think.
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