There were two kids I went to secondary school with (thats Highschool to you americans) both of them were obsessed with Bionicle and Yu-gi-oh. I remember one of them got into a hissyfit because he got a bad grade on an english paper, which was about Of Mice and Men, he wrote a Bionicle fanfic instead.

So I play Pathfinder (D&D) like a fag and due to my hobby I've encountered a grand number of tards and lolcows.

The most current one is this dude that runs my game. He seemed pretty cool at first, pretty spergy, but he would sperg about running his game so I didn't care. He was actually pretty good.

Then he got a text message... His ring was a My Little Pony soundbite. After a brief stint of self loathing for recognizing the ringtone I pretended not to notice.

The past few weeks have been getting worse. No one is interested in his pony shit but he keeps trying to explain it to us.

"No, its a really good show. It has character development and they deal with real life problems"

I continue to feign ignorance.

I troll in subtle ways. I make sure to name our horses in game different shit before he has a chance to name them something else, usually stuff like "Joe" or "Ted".

If he starts up again I'm showing him www.mylittleponyfriendshipismagic.com

these threads are always funny, someone should go dig out the old one, it was probasbly one of our oldest threads.

I know a guy who is the very epitome of virgin with rage. He has no idea how to approach a conversation let alone women, though when he does he uses this unnatural bravado and narcissism as if he was the manliest man on earth.

It's hilarious though that he looks like the lovechild of Putin and Mr Bean.

>>205180
You're doing the world a favour son.

>>205194
Did he take a myspace bathroom photo in an elevator?
Does he just take a picture of any reflective surface?

I remember having a friend who was autistic back in 2009, we both became friends after we found out we both play Minecraft (I don't play it anymore after realizing what overrated garbage it is now) and became friends, he was awkward but not a huge asshole (at the time, anyway) so we got along fine.

He was constantly bullied by other people and had the common lolcow trait of being gullible, some dudes told him they'd give him a copy of GTA IV if he fights me(he didn't last long), and I remember telling him a way of getting a secret pokemon in Pokemon Diamond/Pearl and he actually tried it and in disappointment, told me it didn't work.

Along with Minecraft he had an obsession with Warhammer, he'd constantly sperg about it but I played along and sometimes tried to change the subject.

I remember him playing a game on Newgrounds featuring grey rayman-like people you had to shoot, he'd shout "NIGGERS!" while playing (Even though the person he was shooting don't even resemble black people.) and other people would just look at him in a disapproving manner, it was embarrassing.

Ever since I moved education, I've been hearing that he's gone pretty insane since I left, he became frustrated and even tried stabbing a guy with a pencil and got someone suspended for offending him, the thought that I was probably his only friend scares me.

>>205208

>I remember him playing a game on Newgrounds featuring grey rayman-like people you had to shoot

Madness Interactive?

Man, I remember most of my ICT class playing that during lessons

>>205213
Ah, that's the one.

>>205175

acne and watching porn , WOW DATS SUM LOLCOW EBIN WIN OB EKSDEEEKSDEE

>>205231
Whoa I think some of the mad from the Rika thread is seeping out.

>>205237
clean up on aisle mad

>>205242

I AIND EVEN MAD :--DDD FUG :DD

In the last IRL Lolcows thread, I posted about a girl I used to work with named Martha. She had emotional epilepsy, meaning if she got upset she'd have a seizure. She got upset about everything though so she had seizures multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. I don't really want to say anything bad about her though, because she died this week from her seizures. It's pretty sad. I thought about making a post about it earlier today, because last time I posted you guys had this weird temporary fascination with her, but it seems a lot more appropriate to post in this thread. RIP Martha.

>>205280
I kinda remember this.

A shame.

i come in these threads to see if anyone posted about me

>>205280
Not sure if troll...

>>205298

Not troll. She died.
http://www.oliversgrandeprairie.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1462717&fh_id=11121

>>205303

The only option left is to TROLL THE MEMORIAL SITE

>>205310

Well there isn't one.

>>205280

Well that's sad :(

Kinda funny, my mum's into the whole geneology thing and she's been tracking our family tree. Anyway she basically found out that my grandmother had an uncle she never knew about, who had epilepsy and was sent to a mental asylum (due to it being the early 1900s) at the age of 7, then died there at the age of 14. I'm not actually sure why that was relevant, but my general point is that epilepsy is sad. :(

I started a similar thread a while back with a couple of lolcows I've known. One of which is this sorta-hot girl with her own ED article. If you wanna read that shit then go find it I aint writing all that again...

Anyway, here's a new story for this thread. This guy I recently met at my school. I took this Acting class (easy credits, and you don't do much) and it turns out we have at least three spergs in the class. The first guy is like an Indian version of Abed from that show Community only not as clever and a thousand times more annoying. He's the lulziest out of all three. He's obsessed with girls to the extent of describing to me his perfect lady. He wants Japanese ladies only, cause their skin is white and they share his love of the animus. Speaking of which, he wants to bang this one Japanese voice actress. When I said, it wouldn't happen, he yelled ''no, she just divorced her husband, now's my chance!'' Then I found out which character she voices, its Chikorita from Pokemon. Prepare for more cocks, I have class with him for this semester and I imagine things are gonna get interesting.

The other two spergs I won't talk about because they're annoying as fuck even moreso than the last guy. One of them is this Russian guy who seems like your typical creepy stalker type and the other one is this Chinese motherfucker who interrupts conversations a lot.

i once knew somewhat of a lolcow in middle school. let's call her j. j would wear the same clothes every day, that really wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasnt for her propensity to vomit. once during school hours, j puked on herself and shrugged it off like no big d, smearing the refuse off of her chin using her sleeve and was promptly dragged out of the room.

the stank of dish washing soap mingled with greasy locks ahead was often a tell tale sign of her enormous presence. her round wobbling face resembled ron jeremy's taint with slits in it for eyes, and a face so fat that it caused j to spit uncontrollably with each word. you would be forgiven for mistaking it at first as bigfoot attempting to traverse the language barrier. what scared people away was not limited to her disregard of hygiene, j liked to touch people also. you literally could not go anywhere near j or even pass in a line without her grinning like a crazed niggo and reaching out like that scene in ET with the finger, trying to scrape her dirty fat paws against you. at some point people gained some common sense and began to not only avoid j and the shit she touches like the plague but refer to whatever diseases she may have been carrying on her tendril-like hangnails as "j germs". although j was not a spastic, she took being repellent in stride with autistic confidence. to this day i am still unsure of j's fate.

>>205448
She sounds pretty alpha, does what she wants and doesn't give a fuck.
You sound pretty jealous.

>>205448
Big girls and roman showers are two of my biggest fetishes. Please tell me there are pics.

>>205450
net petition: redefine alpha as "pissing yourself in homeroom"

>>205280
I remember that. She's really dead? Damn...

At least she won't have to suffer any more.

>>205414

Link plz? (for the ED article)

I'm in high school and I know a girl who could very well move into lolcow territory. I mistakenly got her into Homestuck, and now every day she tells me things like "IF I SAW KARKAT IN REAL LIFE I WOULD FLUFF HIS HAIR LIKE FLUFFY FLUFFY FLUFFAAAYYY!" I smile and nod.
She is convinced she has schizophrenia, but her MEANIE PANTS psychologist says she actually has Aspergers apparently. One day she brought a bunch of MLP figurines into computer class and arranged them around her computer.
She makes shitty MMD models of my OCs, me, and her Homestuck Mary Sue who was created solely to date Eridan.

This is for the OP of the previous thread, who talked about the Korean girl:Was her favorite Soul Caliber character Xianghua?

There was this kid I knew many years ago. I don't know what was wrong with him, but I know he dropped out of middle school and lived in squalor with one of his relatives.

He was obsessed with the notion that he had special powers, was in some way more powerful than others, and often swore he was god, and everyone else was just a figment of his imagination. He was obsessive. He was online 24 hours a day. He rubbed everyone who spoke to him the wrong way.

He was pretty much a sociopath as well. I remember him saying one day "My XBox is basically a roach nest." He told me he would catch the roaches in plastic containers, and then force them to eat eachother, and release whichever one survived believing it would then go kill the other roaches. Worse though, he did this with stray cats. He would catch them and lock them in his basement until only one was alive and it had eaten from the bodies of the others. He claimed they fought to the death, but I suspect they would just die of starvation, and whichever was left would eat from their corpse in starvation. He played a lot of games like that with animals.

After a while all his conversations would just be him messaging to make some retarded philosophical debate. Most commonly the god thing. "Well, how do you know I'm NOT god?" "Well for one you don't have any powers." "How do you know I don't just choose not to use them?" he'd go on like this for however long it took for the other person to block him or tell him they didn't care at which point he'd proudly declare (with a new screen name if need be as he had hundreds) "HAHA! I'M RIGHT! I'M GOD! I KNEW IT!"

He'd complain that people he spoke to kept disappearing, oblivious to the fact that they were creating new screen names or blocking anyone not on their friends lists just to avoid him.

He thought he was pretty clever, he created alternate screen names and pretended to be other people to see what people were saying about him behind his back. These other people would usually be billionaire supermodels who just could not say enough about how big this guy's dick was. It was hilarious, at first.

He was obsessed for a while with this horrendously obese girl who lived in the state next to him. He claimed for weeks he was going to run away from home and live with her, under her bed, without her parents ever needing to know. She wasn't aware of this plan though, and when she flatly told him no, combined with the negative reaction everyone he was talking to had to her pictures, he eventually gave up on her.

In that vein, he fancied himself an online pimp, because he spent much of his time cybering in chat rooms, and as you could probably guess he'd brag about all the chat logs he had of various screen names typing "sux ur dik under table" but flipped out if anyone flirted with the girl whose bed he intended to live under.

At the time I really wanted to be a writer, so I told him the premise for this story I was working on. It involved gods I made up watching humanity for entertainment. Pretty simple concept. For some reason he took it and ran with it. For weeks it became his religion, and he would name these gods I made up as being on his side, as vindicating him, and as smiting his enemies. The annoying bit was the people who as a result would message me thinking it was my idea.

Last I heard of him, he was obsessed with some derpy larp girl he only knew online, who refused to e-date him, so he would threaten to kill himself unless she'd say she was his girlfriend online. She ended up creating a new screen name to avoid him.

>>205481
Wow.
Have any dox or profiles or anything?
That sounds fucking insane.

>>205458
Her screenname is Danilee, I think. The ED page though is long gone. I guess all the e-drama involving her subsided enough for them to delete her page. You can goggle her if you want. She still writes fan-fics and draws animu shit. Some of which involves people she knows IRL. In fact, I was actually written into one of her stories and drawn in shitty chibi fashion.

>>205481
Seems like you told some variation of this in one of the last two threads

>>205484
It would be near impossible to find him again at this point. This was maybe 10 years ago. I lost access to the screen name I talked to him with around that time (some AIM glitch) and I didn't see any reason back then to add him to seek him out again.

>>205491
Yeah, I posted a shorter version of it in the one that's in /L/.

Posted this in another lolcow thread that died pretty quickly:

There was a guy in my high school who might count as a lolcow. From what I can tell wasn't really a sperg, just creepy as fuck:

* He had a huge monobrow and sideburns, but no neckbeard or moustache. He hung around with a group of weird smelling spergs and a horrific hambeast who was obsessed with him. He had a creepy stare similar to Chris-chan's, and a strange speech impediment where he would just pause mid-sentence like someone taking a needle off a record, then continue as if nothing had happened. He would do this several times in a single sentence.

* He had an obsession with pornography and sex. Anyone foolish enough to give him their number received hundreds of texts asking for sex. He often boasted about his "pornographic memory" and the amount of photos he had on his phone.

* He constantly hit on boys several years younger than himself. He was regularly involved in school events that let him interact with the younger years.

* He once claimed that his family became rich from the slave trade, and that they were still living off the money today. Also claimed he was a communist.

* For some reason he spread rumors about himself, claiming that he played hide the sausage with a guy he knew during a school trip to France.

* One day he announced that he had read the Qur'an and was now a Muslim. I think he later became a pagan of some sort.

* When he was sixteen he tried to start a 'Mafia' in the high school. I believe he got the idea after watching The Godfather films. Unfortunately we left shortly afterwards but we all had a good laugh when he spread messages claiming he was looking for new members.

Last I heard he was still hitting on young boys on facebook and attending gay pride events. I also heard on the grapevine that he was raped several times by his (male) cousin, if that's true I suppose that might explain some of his weird kinks.

>>205515
How did he manage hang around with younger students if he had what it seems like a reputation of being a sexual predator.

>>205531
He generally behaved himself around teachers, I specifically remember a lunchlady referring to him as "that nice boy". In class he was generally got all his work done without much of a fuss. He was also a member of the debating society and got fairly good grades so most of the teachers got on with him.

So there was this guy in my middle school, let’s call him Jason. He joined our class in early november in our first middle school year. He seemed like an OK guy at first, if somewhat nerdy. He had brown hair, was kinda scrawny, and wore glasses. However, it soon became obvious that something was off about him.
Firstly, you should know that our school had mostly white students. Besides one Asian girl, there were only 3 minority kids in our class: a chubby, kinda weird adopted Brazilian chick, one guy who came from Ethiopia who was a total bro, and another guy from Africa (I don’t remember which country) who was kind of loner. So Jason, who probably hadn’t talked with a single niggo in his life before, didn’t really take to them that much. At all.
He’d act really nervously towards them, always being on guard lest they steal from him or shiv him or whatever he thought they were going to do. Sometimes he’d make a point of checking that his cellphone and money were still in his pockets when they were around. Not so much towards the Brazilian girl, mind you, mostly towards the Ethiopian (let’s call him Gary) – at least as far as I saw. One day, we heard on the news that three neo-nazis had brutally stabbed a random black kid to death, and Jason actually expressed some fear that the black kids in our school would take revenge by forming a lynch mob and killing random whites.

That's all for now, I'll see if I can't remember more tomorrow.

>>205879
>It's like you actually met a potential /new/fag

I actually chuckle at these kind of people...

>>205515
You should see if he's attending sodomize shit

Okay, I do have an IRL lolcow, my little brother. I have two brothers. One with autism and is closer to my age at 17 years old. The other one is 12 years old, and I'm not sure what his problem is, aspergers or just being a spoiled, anti-social(actual meaning mind you) brat who was cuddled too much.

He spends most of his days outside of school playing Roblox (think a homosexual deviants' version of Minecraft with moar 'tism with a Legos theme) and watching shit youtube videos about cats farting. He has even gone so far as to print out the Awesome Face and Troll Face at school.

Being my brother and that I love him so much, I wind up trying far too often to get him to be a more normal little boy and actually enjoy other things aside from Roblox and other shit Reddit tier meme infested videos. But anytime I say anything, he gets mad. And often threatens to kill me, or build a human trap (but due to his constant computer use he doesn't have the capability to do shit) which wouldn't be so bad, but every other adult in my house makes me out to be the bad guy when I just want him to not wind up to be a homosexual deviant neckbeard.

Other things he does is watch Phineas and Ferb, and mimics that annoying teen girl. So now, every time I say ANYTHING that gets him mad, I get "busted". And now that I think about it, that's about it. When he isn't on the computer, he makes weird sounds and jumps around.

Things that usually set him off;
Stating that Roblox is a crap game and it's whole community is a massive hugbox

Any attempts to explain that paying for Roblox is stupid, usually resulting in how "Roblox is my life"

Really, at this point, I should just say any serious logic will get on his nerves. Even when dumbed down for a pre-teen to understand.

He won't even join me in computer geeking (like building rigs) because he doesn't really like computers, he just wants to play shit games on them. Even when it would mean having a superior PC for better games.

At this point, I don't know what to do, I mean, he's like the ultimate lolcow being everything that most jaded Internet users and gamers see wrong with their hobbies but you can only troll your brother in the hopes he gets it and grows up. But it looks like I'll either have a manchild for a brother or be related to a possible serial killer due to his mommy issues and being too air-headed to solve them like I did.

Either way, that's my IRL lolcow.

  >>205879
It happened in new york when a Jew accidentally ran over a black kid. They went out and stabbed some rabdom jew and proceeded to attack jews and riot.

>>205908
He doesn't sound so bad. Typical aspie twelve-year-old.

You, on the other, sound you need to calm the fuck down. You're the real lolcow in that story.

>>205922
Really?

Well, I have a bit of a father complex, since we don't have our father. I try to calm down and I should, but it's hard to see someone live like that. I'm starting to learn how to accept it, and just remember this for whenever I have a kid, to not let them have the Internet.

Also, when you say aspie, you mean a legit aspie or a person who acts like one, but actually isn't?

I have a sperg friend who I've known for a long time, and he's not so much a lolcow, but he has some fucking annoying traits.

He's on a college course studying biology and because of this he takes things way out of context irl that have the remotest thing to do with science. It's almost as if he thinks anybody who hasn't studied science degree doesn't understand how anything works.

For example we were watching some shitty ''world record'' show on tv just the other day and some guy was keeping two accelerating motorbikes in place just using his arms/upper body strength.

Spergys response to me: ''You do realise that with the horsepower that those bikes are moving at, they could cause that guy alot of damage... possibly even tear one of his limbs off... You see Anon, you tend to see these things when you study science like I do.''

Hate how spergs always tend to talk down to you.

I remember this one guy at high school, who was indian and pretty strange.

I don't know if he had autism or something worse, but his head was huge. It resembled Timmy's from South Park.

Anyway one day everybody's waiting outside the science block waiting for lessons to start, when the foulest waft of putrid shit floated down the corridor.

One of the ''helpers'' went rushing into a classroom and there was huge head sitting with this smug look on his face.

She escorted him out and he waddled down the hallway with the biggest shit eating (hurr) grin on his face I've ever seen.

His helper just mumbled something about an accident as she ushered him quickly out of the building.

Shit was weird.

There is this one fat kid at my school who stalks girls, made death threats to the P.E. teacher, and once cried at school because he thought he would go to jail for those things. He also smells funny and writes crappy fanfiction.

>>205948
>I remember this one guy at high school, who was indian and pretty strange.
Let me guess, name was Yasmin amirite?

Not really a lolcow, but my school had some pet autists that were funny.

One was a guy in my graduating class who was actually very polite. One day, I just finished getting a drink of water when he was walking by. He asked, "Do you have a roof rack on your vehicle?"
"No, I do-"
At this point, he started to lick the raised numbers and braille on a sign marking a classroom. I stared for a few seconds, and then he snapped back as though nothing had happened.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't need one."
"Oh, OK. Are you a junior or a senior?"
"Senior."
*Bell rings*
"Talk to you later," he said, as he walked away.

Interesting guy.

I think I've mentioned the one I knew before in one of these threads but I'll talk about him again. At my high school we had computers to type up essays and look up information about topics. In one of my English classes I had to sit next to a kid with a severe case of aspergers and every I typed something into google like "Who was the leader of Soviet Russia?" he'd flip his shit and yell "GOOGLE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SENTENCES!". It was fucking terrifying sitting next to him.

>>206017
You typed a sentince into Google?
Are you 70 years old?

>>206011
That sounds pretty fucking funny.

I went to a private school in New Jersey, so no real autists per se despite everyone being a Jersey Shore-styled homosexual deviant (that part of the shore and that "guido" style has always been well-known).

My brother came in as a Freshman my graduating year, and there's an apparent legit autist in his class. He's pretty HFA though, just a bit off, y'know? I remember an acquaintance of mine constantly hanging around him as an "older brother" type figure. I guess the kid was bullied by a few people.

>>206017
> every I typed something into google like "Who was the leader of Soviet Russia?" he'd flip his shit and yell "GOOGLE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SENTENCES!"

But he's right, you dolt. It filters for keywords. Sentences are only useful for quotes or using the suggestions.

I know I've got some stories but all that really comes to mind was this kid named Nathan Grimes who had a lockered next to mine. Typical Chris-esque aspie kid. When we'd both happened to be at our lockers I'd ask him if he masturbated. He'd always make this weird face and walk away. After a few months of this I Agot called to the principal who said that Nathan informed him I was asking him about masturbation everyday and he was extremely angry, and was afraid of what he might do if I didn't stop, so to please kindly leav him alone.

Don't remember much else but I probably kept doing it. Hell, I don t even know why i sticks out for me, this was back in middle school and I'm 26 now. I just remember that I found it hilarious at that ageto hear my principal talk about jerking off.

>>206036
>I'd ask him if he masturbated
Were you going to invite him over to a literal circlejerk?

>>206036
So you're the irl lolcow in this story, right?

>>206011
>>205948
Actually laughed out loud at these two, funny shit.

>>206045
Me 15 years ago, I guess.

>>206039
I think I just said it one day to see what he said so I kept doing it once I saw he got offended. Not really sure, but zI'm sure I thought I was being HI-lariousm

About eight years ago, my two best friends and I met a girl who, after moving away for college had moved back to our town into her mother's house, and she became part of our friend group. She was 5'6" and probably around 300 pounds, not pretty at all, but she otherwise took care of herself (i.e. she believed in good hygiene and dressed decently) and seemed to be brimming with self-confidence, and at the time she was really fun and fun to be around. We often went out to clubs with her and, believe it or not, she didn't have a lot of trouble with guys. The guys she dated weren't super good looking or anything, but they weren't ugly either, and few were overweight - I guess confidence really works for anyone. Anyway, there was no indication from the outset of what was to come.

She was a car person, and by that I mean she was into a single particular make and model - in her case, the Toyota Corolla. She owned one, and she was obsessed with them. She belonged to a club for Corolla owners, and they would meet up bi-weekly. Sometimes she would ask one or all of us to attend the meetings with her, and we'd go - they were pretty boring, but you know, sometimes you do things you wouldn't do on your own because it's for a friend. There was a guy in the club, we'll call him "Carlos" for the purposes of this story, and she was very much into him. He was a very good looking Cuban guy and hot girls were constantly after him. From what I observed, there wasn't much indication that he even knew she existed beyond their club meetings. He barely spoke to her.

About six months into our friendship with her, she told us that she was moving back to her college town, which was about 50 miles away. It was pretty sudden, so when we asked her why, she told us it was because she had found a job at a resort there (she was a culinary major and hadn't been able to find steady work for some time). We had a going-away celebration for her and everything. We offered to help her move, but she said it wasn't necessary, and once she got settled in she'd invite us to her apartment for a weekend. Everything seemed up-and-up. A month passed, and we only heard from her sporadically. When she finally called us, she told us she had moved in with Carlos. We all found this to be really, really strange, as he never paid any attention to her. When further questioned, she said they had been dating secretly for a month before her move, but she hadn't told anyone because his divorce wasn't final (we weren't aware he was even married), but the day after his divorce was final, he married her. Lol wut? Bullshit stinks, so I told her we wanted to come see her, give her a wedding gift, etc. She kept finding reasons why we couldn't, putting us off, etc. A month after that, she called us to tell us she was pregnant, and they were adopting Carlos's niece too. She still found ways to refuse to let us come and visit, and we all knew why.

We hadn't been to her mother's house in two months since she didn't live there anymore, but we decided to pay her mom a visit. When we stopped by, her mother was really nice to us, and before we could even mention the other stuff, she said "I'm sorry, you just missed Derpina. She went to the store for me, but she'll be back soon." Also, our friend's stuff was still in the house. The plot thickens. We confronted her with this evidence, and she threw a fit, called us all horrible friends, and said that she was just visiting, didn't need to move her stuff because Carlos paid for everything for her, etc. She didn't contact us again for another month, and when she did, it was to say something along the lines of "I hope you're happy, I had a miscarriage and Carlos annulled our marriage." While the first compulsion was to laugh, we also realized this was a seriously ill girl. We printed out emails, screen shots of her online journal, etc., and took them to her mother to beg her to get her daughter help. She pretty much just shrugged at us and said "thanks, I'll look into it." Lovely.

A year after these events, my friend's younger brother randomly found a profile for her on Adult Friend Finder that was full of naked pics. She was even bigger and apparently fancied herself a BBW nude "model." We searched for her presence in other places online and, wouldn't you know it, we found a profile and posts that had definitely been written by her on Beast Forum. Apparently she was into bukkake and being fucked by rottweilers and Great Danes; she never expressed these interests to us, though.

Last we heard, which was three years ago, she had given birth to a surprisingly cute blonde-haired blue-eyed child, and was telling everyone she'd been a surrogate mother for a cousin. However, as anyone who knows anything about surrogacy is aware, they do not allow people who are not in excellent health to be a surrogate mother - and women as overweight as she is who are pregnant are ALWAYS high risk pregnancies. No idea who the dad could be, or why she would say the kid isn't really hers. But she obviously never got help for her bat shittery.

>>206036
Yeah, you have to be careful about ever messing with some spergs. As annoying and completely irritating they can be, the hugbox will come down on you HARD for even minor shit. I remember messing with this one kid who kept fucking with me in sixth grade and his autist friend got scared and ratted me out to his handlers. Its better to deal with them then the school authorities though, they're not as interested in punishing you as ''educating'' you on why you shouldn't mess with spergs. It also helps that I was in Special Ed too and technically a sperg, so chalk that up to a black-on-black style incident.

Authorities don't mind it when we fuck with each other I suppose. To this day though, I'm never as afraid of the spergs as much as the hugbox. For every Chris, where his support structure is gone, there's another where any attempt to stop their homosexual deviantry will result in you being the bad guy.

>>206075
>>She was 5'6" and probably around 300 pounds, not pretty at all, but she otherwise took care of herself (i.e. she believed in good hygiene and dressed decently) and seemed to be brimming with self-confidence, and at the time she was really fun and fun to be around. We often went out to clubs with her and, believe it or not, she didn't have a lot of trouble with guys. The guys she dated weren't super good looking or anything, but they weren't ugly either, and few were overweight - I guess confidence really works for anyone.

>>profile for her on Adult Friend Finder that was full of naked pics.
>>Apparently she was into bukkake and being fucked by rottweilers and Great Danes

Why boner.

>>206153
>>profile for her on Adult Friend Finder that was full of naked pics.
>>Apparently she was into bukkake and being fucked by rottweilers and Great Danes

Totally not a boner killer, there.

Unless you're a furfag AND a zoophile.

>>206181
RIKA CONFIRMED FOR BESTIALITY FETISH

I grew up with a kid named Aaron. Little skinny froggish looking guy with thin greasy black hair and a bizarre skeleton like figure.

-Ate his snot constantly all the time, every time.

-Was obsessed with WWII and drew swastikas on his notepad nonstop. One of the most priceless moments is when for a secret santa gift he gave the only jew in our class a huge ass swastika made out of clay. A fight instantly broke out in the class room and it was pretty funny to watch.

- His mother was like the nicest woman in the world. I remember one day we were invited to his birthday party as kids and the whole time at the party all he did was yell at his mom for being the room with us, haha. I rarely came over to his place but regardless of when I went he would always be screaming at his mom for ruining something or another. His mom was great though, she was really friendly, baked all the time, and gave the kids money to do whatever.

-He was caught jacking off in class once and ate paper. He also had a odd thing as a kid where he would love to play the Hugo (An old PC adventure series) all day and scream at the computer in mass hysterics because he could "NEVER WIN THE GAME!"

Not sure what he is up to anymore after I moved away, but last I heard he was working as an auto-mechanic in a horrible relationship with some fat woman in the desert.

>>206181
Neither, it's the dichotomy that got a little tingle for some reason.

Here's a girl who by description is terribly unattractive, but has a high enough amount of confidence that she has little trouble finding partners. That would tend to mean her personality makes her attractive.

And then she wants to be bukkake'd and fuck dogs, suggesting low standards, desperation, and a desire for degradation and humiliation.

I don't know, seems like a contradiction to me, and for some reason that makes me curious.

I knew a kid who would always shit on the bathroom floor next to the toilet in school because he said he was scared of the flushing sound.

>>206196
Oh god, Hugo. I remember that shit. Awful. They were made by just this one guy, who apparently makes e-puzzles now. I remember being about 9 or 10 years old, and typing "get pussy" when some female character was on the scren. The game replied "it ain't christmas yet".

Also fucking lol at clay swaztika. You mean a literal fist fight broke out? Who won?

>>206226
The Jewish kid pretty much kicked the shit out of him. It was quick, but the ending was awkward as hell. After it was all over, Aaron was crying because "he thought it was a great gift that would remind him of his heritage."

>>206294
Different Rika, but this is making me laugh. HARD.

Was he like just a plain old dick, or did he really think it was a good idea to give him a swastika as a present?

>>206196
>>206294
My sides

>>206198

OP of "fat girl with bestiality bukkake fetish lolcow" here. The online profiles where she had posted a gallery of nudes and the Beast Forum posts where she expressed interest in those fetishes (can you call bestiality a fetish? I'm more inclined to call it a sickness) were posted after she had what I can only imagine was some kind of a psychotic break. We have no idea what event caused her to tell the lies she told and to begin degrading herself in such a way, as I'm sure you can guess talking to her and her mother got us nowhere, but whatever it was, it was obviously psychologically devastating. She was just a completely different person, you could tell it in the way she spoke and in her demeanor.

Hope that helps shed some light.

I know a girl in her mid twenties who will not shut the fuck up about Transformers. When I first met her years ago it barely seemed to get mentioned, but now its all she talks about. She won't shut the fuck up about her original characters donut steal. Every time I see her I get an earfull of X robot fucking Y robot or some bullshit. She's worse than the cheese conies.

Not really a lolcow, just an example of fandom bullshit. There's a lot of it round my area.

>>206294

>>206452

That actually sounds more sad than anything else. She must have had some kind of mental snap, maybe the onset of schizophrenia or something? I hope she ends up getting some help :(

>>206198
It doesn't necessary mean it's that much of a contradiction, if a woman has so low self esteem she is willing to sleep with nearly anyone it doesn't mean she has a great personality but many guys will be happy to get easy sex.

>>206075
Linksplz? You know, for research purposes.

>>206204

What! I also knew someone like that. He was 9...One day in 5th grade kid got his foot stuck in a toilet too. Little weirdo.

In school I had a friend Named Braiden Mckee who is 19, slim, 5.9 and a quater chinese, that:
- Has a mom, Kylie who is slim and half chinese
had not treated braiden well ever since has was he was born and found to have autism,
stiring him up with by teasing him with her boobs,
hates chinese people despite her mother being chinese,
spoiled her daughter just to stir braiden up,
married and divorved the guy below,
- Has a dad who is a manwhore drug addict
has fathered over 100 children,
trying to douge US customs,
delousions of being a rockstar,
fled austalia because of the people he owes debt,
- Has a half sister and brother each have different fathers
- obbsesess over girl named kelly "jade" peden
Braiden told kelly that he wants to have sex with her, with moms advice, she rejected
kelly's family has lived in town 3 generations
got put into rubbish bins because her link with braiden
- told me that he wants to fuck a cat to make furry cat people
- got him into dickgirls by showing him linetrap to stir him up
- got put in miltuple foster care homes
- aspire to create his own multimedia empire
- believed in 2008 that the LHC was going suck up the world
- believed in 2012 that the worlds going end

>>206861
http://www.facebook.com/braiden.l.mckee?sk=wall
his facebook

>>206861

wut

>>206861

Are you clinically retarded?

>>206861
Personal army we are not, also da fuq?

>>206861
Cool lolcow, mon.

One of the lulzy people I have ever known was classmate of mine called B.J. Not a great nick name, as far as those things are concerned, but he insisted on it because he couldn’t actually pronounce his own name. Even in twelfth grade, he was still calling himself “Bwenden” because he couldn’t say his “R’s”. I first met B.J when we were in 5th grade. My school system was quite large, and consisted of several elementary schools feeding into two middle schools and finally one high school. I went to a different school than him for 5th grade, but he was a student in the class that my mother taught, so I ended up having a lot of contact with him.

It’s actually kind of a sad story, B.J probably would have been completely normal if it weren’t for his batshit insane father. On the first day of school B.J’s dad walked into the classroom and immediately began ripping down posters that he felt were distracting because “B.J was often upset by bright colors and loud sounds”. Posters, as you all well know because you are not completely retarded, do not make sound and bright colors are not frightening. Maybe, maybe you could justify rearranging a classroom to suit a child’s needs if the student had autism or some sort of visual processing disorder, but B.J was completely fine.

B.J’s father had also convinced him that he was a genius. He wouldn’t allow the kid to go to speech therapy even though he desperately needed it. He insisted that B.J be put in the gifted and talented program even though B.J was pretty below average in all subjects except reading. He couldn’t really handle the extra work load and it did hurt him academically.
One day my mom was supervising the students in the school library when she noticed B.J writing in one of the books. It was a picture book biography of Albert Einstein. In the 2 glossy blank pages at the end of the book, B.J had written, “Brendan (last name) is considered by most to be the next Albert Einstein. He began displaying genius as soon as he was born and has the highest intelligence of anyone ever recorded. Look for books about Brendan at the next (The school’s name) book fair”

For his next book report, he wrote something titled, “Brendan (last name): The next Albert Einstein. By B.J (last name).” He did a book report on a biography about himself that didn’t exist. My mother didn’t quite know what to do, so she had him evaluated by the school shrink. The kid obliviously needed serious help but his father refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong. In fact, he wanted to sue the school for suggesting that his child might need psychological help.

Shortly after that, B.J started turning homework and quizzes with the moniker, “B.J a.k.a The Next Albert Einstein”. The whole situation came to a head when my mom wanted to show a movie to the class around Martin Luther King Jr. day. But B.J wouldn’t have it. He raised his hand and said, “I do not want to see this movie. I would like to watch the hobbit. The movie is available in the school libwawee. I will watch the class while you go went it.” My mom told him in the nicest, teachery-est way possible to shut the fuck up and deal with it. B.J screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to throw his desk at her. Being a chubby weakling, he only managed to knock it over on another kid’s foot. This kid, who later turned out to be pretty awesome, had had enough of B.J’s shit and punched him in the eye. Both kids got in trouble but B.J actually got suspended for the rest of the year.

The only other childhood story that I know about B.J is when he moved house in 8th grade. His mom took him to a church closer to their new neighborhood and then second they walked through the door he screamed “GOD DOES NOT LIVE HEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” .

>>206932 here's some more. sorry for the tl;dr

I didn’t see B.J again till high school but by then he had developed a reputation for being a complete psycho. His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart, so B.J was living with his equally crazy mother. B.J was in my English class for 11th grade.
Here’s really where things get interesting. For some odd reason my English class had 16 girls in it and only 2 boys. Immediately, 7 kids dropped the class because it was an A.P writing class that conflicted with a different A.P science class. After the mini exodus, B.J remained the only male and seemed to be quite pleased about this.
For our first assignment we had a write a short creative piece on whatever subject we liked. B.J. instantly raised his hand and said in this strangely melodic voice, “Yes, and awe we going to be leawning to white ewwotica or pownogwaaphic fiction?”
The poor teacher looked like she was going to shit a brick. “This is a high school English class.” She reminded him. “Ohh I weally want to white ewwotic fiction” He looked genuinely sad.

After about ten minutes of chewing loudly on his pencil he made a loud whining noise and withdrew his head into his sweatshirt. His arms followed and he pulled the fabric over his knees. He made this little egg pose whenever the teacher asked him to complete an in class assignment or turn in homework. He never spoke or moved like this, no matter what anyone did. It was really really strange.

The in addition to formal academic assignments (of which B.J failed to complete even one), the teacher had us spend each Friday reading our own creative pieces and receiving criticism from our classmates. B.J spent each and every class writing furiously in a marble notebook until the bell rang. Finally at the end of the week we would all be treated to the fruits of his labors. That first Friday I honestly had no idea what to expect. He opened up his marble notebook and said, “I know girls don’t play video games but do any of you know what the Wowuld of Wawwcwaft is?” I couldn’t help it. I had to giggle, just a little bit. He glared at me and explained that he had written a WoW fanfic based on real life people and what they would be like if they were WoW characters. Apparently B.J had developed a serious crush on one of the really hot girls in our class, named Danielle. Dani was cast the heroic Prince Bwenden’s strong, sexy, dark elf companion who was madly in love with him but he was too noble to be tempted by her advances. He read the story in this funny fake deep voice, with lots of embellishes and sound effects. He was so into it, he didn’t notice that the class was shaking with laughter. At the end of the chapter he slammed the book down and retreated into his egg pose.

It was like that every Friday. The teacher had him purposefully go last so that everyone could storm out as soon as the bell rang so that we could hide our laughter. Meanwhile, B.J was beginning to make the moves Dani. Dani was a nice girl, definitely beautiful and she did not like being a part of B.J’s creepy tale. He started leaving her facebook messages that at first were pretty tame, things like “how did you like my story?” “How are you today?” “What is your cat’s name?”. Dani always responded politely and we thought that was that. He sent her a few amorous messages, my favorite being one about how she could depend on him to be a nice guy because he read Chicken Soup for the soul books.

Things took a turn for the weird when the fanfic version of Dani got the valiant prince Bwenden drunk and tried to seduce him. B.J embellished the story with a lot of sound effects, a cringe- inducing falsetto voice for Dani. The teacher finally asked him to stop as dark elf Dani began rubbing her wet tits on valiant prince Bwendens lips. B.J whined and protested and eventually retreated into his egg pose. After class I heard her comforting actual Dani and told her that she contacted the school psychologist about B.J.

But of course the fun didn’t stop there. The teacher naturally banned him from continuing his story if it was going to contain sexually explicated material, especially if it involved actual students. The next Friday he was so angry, he was taking long exaggerated breaths and kept his hood up over. I imagine that he though he looked pretty cool. When it came time for him to present, he stood up and started playing the air guitar. He then howled, what I suppose he though was some sort of Death metal song, but was just another opportunity for us to hear what Elmer Fudd would have sounded like had he done meth. People in other classrooms thought that someone was hurt so they came running. It was pretty hilarious.

A few weeks later Dani presented a story in which she recounted a memory about the day she peed herself after being hit in the crotch with a volley ball. Everyone was giggling and having a good time until B.J jumped up and strolled over to the door. He made no attempt to conceal his quite pronounced boner. We burst out laughing. “It’s not funny.” He said. “I can’t help it. This is natuwal.” He wasn’t embarrassed at all. The most I could say is that he was irritated that we were…laughing at his boner. He excused himself to the bathroom, which brought more shrieks of laughter.

Pretty soon after the teacher had him kicked out of the class, which was probably the right thing to do but robbed of my glorious lulz. The only other thing I know about him is that he asked a lunch lady to prom and she refused him.

>>206862

if that guy's a quarter chinese I'm the fucking tooth fairy

>>206938
That sounds like someone I know.
That wasn't in a Tennessee school was it?

>>206943

Nope, different state.

>>206943

Oh man we gotta have your story too~

>>206945

Oh yeah! I totally agree! Another B.J....

>>206932
>>206938

Oh man! I totally forgot. He was also really obsessed with being Catholic and went to this church group every week. He told everyone their that Dani was his girlfriend. He told them that they were going through a rough patch and to pray for her.

Even the priest was like, "You don't have a girlfriend!"

>>206945
>>206946
There was some guy called BJ in my middle school who was a creepy motherfucker.
A few things I remember him doing were writing self insert stories of Harry Potter involving him and some of our classmates and being obsessed with Michael Jackson.
You could ask him any question about Michael Jackson, and he would be able to answer it off the top off my head.
I have no idea what happened to him though.

>>206956

So I guess the lesson here is don't give your kid a name like B.J!

I've posted a bunch of stuff in the other threads, right now the only new semi-lolcow (more just a funny kind of incident) i can think of off the top of my head was this games teacher I used to have (eurofag school, mandatory sports erry day). She was really, REALLY fat and would always scream at us for not running fast enough in warmups etc even though she'd never move a muscle herself (due to fat). If anyone didn't immediately do what she said, she'd burst into tears (this is a ~40 y/o woman teaching 7-12 y/o girls). Anyway, one day in netball (I know, I know) she was doing a toss-up, which consists of throwing a ball up between two girls on opposite teams and have each try to catch it first, for when you can't decide who should take a penalty. Anyway, she threw it up, didn't manage to stop her hand and whacked herself so hard in the face she broke her own nose. She immediately burst into tears, screamed "WHY ARE YOU ALL OUT TO GET ME" (remember, this is a grown woman teaching preteens) and waddle-ran off back to the school building. She quit the day after and never taught us again.

>>205414
reminds me of JustinRPG. pokemon lovers.

>>206938
>His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart
>His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart
>His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart

>but was just another opportunity for us to hear what Elmer Fudd would have sounded like had he done meth

>>206838

It's eight years ago we're talkin'. The profiles are, to my knowledge, gone. I don't want to put her name or screen names out here anyway, she's got enough mental anguish.

>>206932
>>206938

Please tell me you have more stories about BJ. I'm absolutely fascinated.

>>207026
http://encyclopediadramatica.se/Esachasa or http://encyclopediadramatica.se/Poeticirony ?

>>207055

The first one seems more in line with the story we got.

>>207041

I do. His little brother was just as bad. I'll make another long post later

I can't wait for the saga of Bwendan Juniow.

>>207127

Thank you. I just finished reading your posts to my husband, and he's still laughing.

Also, do you think you might elaborate on his father taking a shit in the toy aisle at K-Mart? Because that sounds like a story in and of itself.

>>207506
I hate it when people on /cwc/ have loved ones.

>>207508

Sorry. I naturally assumed most people on /cwc/ had loved ones.

Some people wanted to know about B.J’s brother so here goes. I don’t know as much about B.J’s father but my brother apparently does. I will ask him about the Kmart shit incident!

Alec was a bit younger than me so I never interacted with him much. However he too was in my mother’s class and was in a few of my sister’s classes. Alec was a lot like his brother except he was much fatter and not even his father could pretend he was smart. I ended up sitting next to him during the district science fair. Every student in the district had a chance to compete, so it was a huge event. The Next Albert Einstein aka Bwenden, was not selected as a finalist and was having a tantrum off to the side. We were all sitting quietly waiting for the superintendent to announce the winner when all of a suddenly Alec let out a fart like a gunshot. The smell was gag inducing. All the kids around him got up and ran, laughing and screaming. Alone in the center of the room, Alec raised his hand and announced “Sorry I farted”. To this day, that phrase is sort of an in-joke among the people in my town.

In 6th grade, Alec became obsessed with the movie Dinosaur. On the Friday before Christmas break, his math class was going nuts with excitement. The math teacher was having trouble lining them up for dismissal and they were in danger of missing the bus. Alec tugged on her sleeve and asked, “Can I help silence the class with my dinosaur sound?”. Then, Alec bellowed “UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKK” . The other students were speechless.

Another great Alec moment was right after September 11th. The town had a little memorial event (because we were so close to the city a lot of locals died in the attack) and all the children from his class presented little peace poems. His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11 but also suggested that he be allowed to patrol the streets at night with a “machine- laser gun” that instead of killing terrorists would make them into poops.

>>207662

More fun with Alec!

Alec and I were also in the same drivers ed car. Now, Alec had some sort of problem with his eyes where he only had peripheral vision. I believe that this sort of condition is easily (well easily but painfully) corrected by surgery, but his parents refused to admit that their little cherub was less than perfect. His eyesight did seriously impair his driving, because he couldn’t see anything to the right or left of him. Many a guard rail was assaulted by Alec’s spastic driving.
Anyway, the driving lessons were pretty normal on the first few sessions. The only problem at first was that Alec was so fat that not all the driving students could fit in the backseat of the car. His enormous girth made it hard for him to breath I guess, so he constantly sounded like he was wheezing. It made the car fog up, but he freaked out at the very suggestion of opening a window. He was so sweaty
and it was so tight in that backseat. I was constantly squished up against his salty sweaty body as he took his raspy darth vador breathes. Eventually we had to kick out a boy called Erik because there simply wasn’t enough room.

He was such an awful driver. He jerked the car around, forgot safety rules, but every student driver is allowed a few mistakes. However, his failure to distinguish right from left quickly became a problem. One morning Alec was jerking us through a quiet suburban neighborhood just a few blocks from the high school.

The driving teacher instructed him to turn right when he came a yield sign about twenty feet away. Alec however, decided to turn left immediately into someone’s front yard. He plowed over a plastic birdbath before the driving instructed managed to step on the breaks (the car had a duel break system). My head slammed into the seat in front of me, and I heard the other passengers moan in semi-pain before the swearing started. The instructor, a delightfully crazy Albanian man, was so enraged I think he actually forgot how to speak English. He shouted an incomprehensible flurry of wrath while miming strangulation to Alec. Alec started blubbering “I didn’t do it! I DIDN’T DOOOO IT”.
“Well who else did it you, dumb fuck?” snapped another passenger form the backseat.
In response Alec made a noise that was eerily reminiscent of his dinosaur bellow from so many years ago. Only this time it was broken by the occasional terrified sob. “UuuKah! UuuKah!UUUUuuKAHUUUuuKah!” And like the dinosaur bellow, it had the same silencing effect.
“Ok.” Said the driving instructor, “Students, get out of car. No one has seen. We fix bath. Ok ?”

No one moved. “Now! Fix bath!” I saw the anger rising in him again so I quickly scrambled out of the car with the other passengers. The bird bath had broken into two pieces, but I could see that it actually was fixable. All we had to do was balance it just right, and no one would ever have to find out. We pulled the bath out from under the car, and after a few minutes of careful adjustment and Albanian swear words, the bird bath was restored.

We re-entered the car. Alec got back behind the wheel and just as our crazy Albanian was saying, “Reversing the car now. Go slow” Alec slammed on the gas petal and lurched us forward into the bird bath once again. My head met the seat in front of me once again, but much harder this time. The driving instructor had exploded once more into fits of Albanian rage. He leaped out of the car and we followed suit. The bird bath was utterly destroyed. We stood around the carnage in silence. Alec bent down pick up one of the largest pieces of plaster. I suppose he thought he would just reconstruct the dozens of tiny pieces and be done with it. “You stop! Idiot boy! Retard! Get in car, all you. I drive home,” shouted the instructor.

“But it’s my turn!” whined Alec.
“Shut up! No talk! Anyone!” The instructor held open the passenger seat door. Alec and the other student got in but he stopped me. “You are shotgun” In all the confusion I didn’t immediately associate that phrase with car seating and for a split second I thought he meant for me to shoot Alec. I got into the car while Alec moaned, “It’s not faaair! He’s taking my turnnnn! He’s taking it! Uuuuuuuuuuuuguk!”
“No talk! Shut up! Shut up!”

After that, Alec was banned from drivers Ed and Erik rejoined the car. I’ve driving past the bird bath house since. The bath is now gone and has never been replaced. I don’t think the bath owner’s ever figured out what happened that day. To my knowledge neither Alec nor B.J has ever gotten their drivers license.

>His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11
I laughed more than I should have at that

>His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11
Spoilers for the next game

But really his brother sounds like a way bigger retard, I don't know why you didn't talk about him first.

>>207673

Because I thought that the B.J stories would pale in comparison. I planned on posting both. I have more if people are still interesting.

>>207675

interested, I mean.

>>207675
Oh we're very interested. These are great.

>>206861
You are full on sperging. Calm down. It's almost as if you had a grudge or something.

>>207677

ok. I'll work on another long post. I'll call my brother to see about the Kmart poop incident.

>>207682
>Kmart poop incident.

No idea what you gentlemen are doing in this thread, don't care. I will now be actively avoiding it at all costs. Good day.

>>207676
interested

>>206938

>He sent her a few amorous messages, my favorite being one about how she could depend on him to be a nice guy because he read Chicken Soup for the soul books.

>>207675
Interested.

>His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11 but also suggested that he be allowed to patrol the streets at night with a “machine- laser gun” that instead of killing terrorists would make them into poops.
LOL

>>207662
>His poem not only blamed Gannodorf for 9/11 but also suggested that he be allowed to patrol the streets at night with a “machine- laser gun” that instead of killing terrorists would make them into poops.

>>206932
>>206938
>>207662
>>207664
More please. This is hilarious.

Judging from the makeup of the classroom, you sound female, did either of them try to hit on you? Do you have any more stories of failed romance aside from the Dani story?

>>207664

Americans have trouble driving cars. Really? You don't even have manuals.

>>207728

did you seriously need a manual just to drive to that 14 years old's house?

>>207728
You mean fat retards have trouble driving cars

inb4 that's the same thing hurrdurr

Yyyyyesssssss, more Awec and Bwendan.

>>207728
But we do have manuals. They're just a lot fewer in numbers now.

There isn't even a point to driving a manual anymore, you get the same gas mileage and speed, if not better, with automatics now.

The only reason anyone would buy a manual here would be if you were buying a sports car, and only to have that little extra "cool" factor by overdramatically shifting gears in a race.

>>207726
>you sound female, did either of them try to hit on you? Do you have any more stories of failed romance
Chris? That you?

>>207662
Where do you live?
Westchester, Rockland, Orange, Staten/Long island, etc?

>>207664
>>206932
Okay, you made my day. Thank you

>>207743
HI A-LOG!

>>207749
I was just pointing out that, from fucking nowhere, instantly accusing someone of being female and having failed romances, and then asking for them in detail is a little, uh, off to say the least.

>>207752
I think you need to learn how to reading comprehension or how to read the whole sentence.

Clearly we're talking about BJ and his brother's attempts at failed romance.

That kid sounds embaraassing, especially Einstein

>>207753
Not anyone in this conversation so far, but prefacing that by asking if the poster's a female makes one inclined to believe he means to ask about B.J.'s relationship with the poster.


Who is presumably male, btw.

>>207752
>> A few weeks later Dani presented a story in which she recounted a memory about the day she peed herself after being hit in the crotch with a volleyball. Everyone wasgiggling and having a good time until B.J jumpedup and strolled over to the door. He made no attempt to conceal his quite pronounced boner. We burst out laughing. “It’s not funny.” He said. “I can’t help it. Thisis natuwal.” He wasn’t embarrassed at all. The most I could say is that he was irritated that we were…laughing at his boner. He excused himself to the bathroom, which brought more shrieks of laughter.

Sounds like a girl too me

>>207756
>For some odd reason my English class had 16 girls in it and only 2 boys. Immediately, 7 kids dropped the class because it was an A.P writing class that conflicted with a different A.P science class. After the mini exodus, B.J remained the only male and seemed to be quite pleased about this.

>>207756
Disregard that last part. After rereading the post, I've determined that the poster is most likely female.

>“It’s not faaair! He’s taking my turnnnn! He’s taking it! Uuuuuuuuuuuuguk!”
>He

Either he's talking about the instructor or the author taking his turn. It's kind of unclear, but it seems like a kind of weird thing for a kid to accuse of the INSTRUCTOR.

Why do you guys even need driving lessons? Your cars are like bumper cars.

>>207731

>Implying I didn't turn in to a bat and fly there.

Bitch, please.

>>206861

"nwa real rap F*** tha newskool- kids these days think soulja joke iz hard- hes wannabe psychflow iz called dumb flow" on NWA's timeline.

>>207768
Oh great, here comes
"Yuropoors v.s. Murrikunts" round 445683646273841238284.

>>207768
>it seems like a kind of weird thing for a kid to accuse of the INSTRUCTOR.

That's what makes it so humorous. The author was riding shotgun, not driving.

>>206023
Hi kid-from-story-Log!

>>207801
Hey Homor.

>>207726
>>207761

yeah I'm a girl, and neither of them really liked me too much because they associated me with my mom, their former teacher. So neither of them ever hit on me. I do have some stories of other girls they hit on. I'll post them later, I have to go to work. Glad you guys like the stories!

Bwenden and Alec are comedy GOLD. More please, Rika.

Were they seriously not retarded or autistic or anything?

So there was this autistic kid in my high school who would rarely talk, and when he did he would say "um" and "yeah" every other word. He would also fidget much more than most kids and slowly stroke inanimate objects. More notably, however, would jack off in class on a regular basis- well, regular enough that everyone was always talking about his latest exploits, but not often enough that I ever saw him in the act... that is, until one fateful night.

Kids, parents and teachers were split up into groups of 20-30 people to discuss different class trips. I was sitting on the side of the table opposite him, and his hands were under the table so it was a few minutes before I really understood what was going on. I just thought, "Oh, he's fidgeting so much, his poor parents must be embarrassed." (Forgot to mention, but he was sitting *right* between his parents.) I thought "Man, he's stimming so bad. It's really distracting. Why does he have to be so autistic?"

Then, his face turned bright red and clenched up, and I noticed his right arm moving rapidly. It dawned on me what was going on just as I saw his O-face. He leaned back and though I couldn't hear him over the teacher, (who was still planning out what restaurants we'd have access to on the trip and talking to us as if nothing was amiss) but he seemed to be moaning a little. I thought, "no, this can't be real. There's no way this is happening in real life." Yet, there it was before my eyes: he came, his left ass cheek inches from his father's right ass cheek, and his right ass cheek inches from his mother's left ass cheek. They stared straight ahead, smiling and holding perfectly still.

I have other stories about him but I am super distracted right now

>>207664
>>207662

These BJ and Alec stories are gold. Fucking gold.

I love these threads. This one in particular had me rolling on the floor.

**WARNING MEGA TL;DR AHEAD**

I'm a tester for a video game publisher and I've worked there for about 6 months now. The pay's ass and the work's monotonous but the people I work with for the most part are awesome.

Now there have been quite a few lolcows who have come and gone from QA but two of them in my opinion were legendary. Here's my contribution to the thread:

The first one was a 30 something year old manchild we all called Link when he wasn't in earshot. This was because on his first day of work he wore a Link hat that his mother made for him and because of the fact that he shared his first name with our boss. He was about six feet tall, fat and had a skin condition where there's a massive red blotch covering the lower half of his face and reached his neck. We weren't sure what was wrong with him but something definitely wasn't right upstairs. He had a tendency to stare at people from across rooms and *never* let someone go when he's having a conversation with them. I'll start with Link because he's the one I know less about. One of his first office interactions was with a coworker named Jason.

Jason was playing Gears of War 2 on his lunch break when Link appeared just outside his cubicle and the following exchange happened.

LINK: Oh, are you testing that game?
JASON: No. This is just for fun.
*LINK nods and points at the xbox*
LINK: Does that thing play DVDs?
JASON (incredulously): Uh... yeah?

At this moment, Link got a real smug look on his face and goes "I got the DVDs" in a confident tone.
Jason, who is completely bewildered now, goes "What DVDs?"
To which Link replied "Trigun"
Link then walked away.

"I got the DVDs" has been a mainstay office in-joke since then.

A lot of people at the office like to bring their consoles to work to play during breaks but Link went out to best buy one lunch hour and bought another ps3 just to play with at work. My boss was in a cubicle across from him and told us later after he got fired how he played like a minute or two of each game he brought before immediately swapping in another one, going through like nine or ten games in an hour-long period.

One weekend we were working overtime and I was in a temporary cubicle within sight of Link. During lunch, I heard Link talking alone and I looked in and saw him going through each cutscene in Devil May Cry 4 and posing with a foam sword and screenquoting all of Dante's lines and matching dante's gestures on the screen. It was truly a memorable sight.

Miscellaneous things Link's done:

-Closed his 3ds during work hours and laid back for a while. A producer walked over and asked what he was doing. Link said he was resting his eyes because the warning in the disclaimer told him to do so every hour. Needless to say, he was yelled at.

-Claimed to be a huge Legend of Zelda fan but was observed using a paperback strategy guide to get through Ocarina on 3ds.

-Stormed off when his favorite games are insulted, like when one of my coworkers sarcastically said "Darksiders is the best Zelda game in years!"

All in all he was a tolerable guy to work with. He just said and did the dumbest shit on occasion. This next guy though is a REAL headdesk...

This next guy stayed with us for much longer, but I don't think anyone liked him at all. His mother knew the owners of the company and was pretty much given his testing job for free.

This guy, let's call him "Les" had aspergers. On the surface he seemed normal and well-adjusted but the creepiness and awkwardness grew deeper and deeper the longer I knew him.

Les was a huge, huge supporter of the British side of the Revolutionary War and took every single opportunity to shoehorn this subject into every conversation ever. He was very well-read and knew what he was talking about, but no one wanted to hear what he had to say about 95% of the time.

He was so incredibly polite that it got annoying as hell after a while. He bowed to women, called people "Mr. (Last name here), sir!" instead of their first names.

One good example of this annoying politeness was one time when my coworker said to me "Hey, wanna hear something funny?"
Les happened to be within earshot so he walked up and said "Oh, may I listen?"

This politeness belies his super-sensitivity to absolutely fucking everything. Me and some coworkers once made fun of his love of the redcoats by saying that we loved the Mel Gibson movie "The Patriot" and claimed confidently that it was so historically accurate.
This incredibly mild trolling sent him into a sulky surly singularity of loathing mode for the next week or so. Scores of self-pitying facebook posts would follow until he confronted each of us through facebook chat. One had to constantly walk on eggshells around Les.

Les would jump up and down when he got excited and gesture dramatically during conversations like it was a shakespeare play. This spasticness got him in some trouble, like when he was playing a game one time and tossed a coffee cup into the air and onto his cube neighbor when he got excited.

He would facebook message everyone almost daily and it got to a point where we all just switched our profiles over to invisible just because of this one guy.
I'm not sure how he got diagnosed with aspergers, though. Les was a complete and total master of laying guilt into people and getting them to do what he wants. His understanding of social cues was acute, and he used them to his advantage.

Les used this guilt over me and two other coworkers to give him a ride home every day (when asked about why he didn't drive, he responded with "Oh, I'm TERRIFIED at being behind the wheel"). It got to a point where it was like a game. Me and the other two guys towards the end of the workday tried to avoid Les at all costs so as to not be the one going out of his way to drive him home that day.

Sure you can say you're busy or have some excuse at first. But then he gets on your case when he thinks you're avoiding him. God, I hated dealing with that shit.

Les quit when he just couldn't deal with the jokey sometimes-mean-spirited nature of office talk. The boss didn't like him because he didn't write up any real bugs in the database and was caught sleeping in the middle of the hallway like a bum. Some coworkers were freaked out by him.

I could go on and on about Les, but I'll cut it off here. Sorry if this was boring compared to the Alec and BJ stories, but these stories are what they are.

In the 5th grade spelling bee my friend Adam was on stage and was told to spell paste. Adam was a chunky guy with glasses and a speech impediment but he was a nice enough fellow. Anyways, he proceeded to spell paste as "P-A-S-T"


Everyone knew he spelled it wrong, but then out of nowhere this kid who was like borderline mentally retarded and talked like Chris Chan screamed out "It's spelled P-A-S-T-E, you dummy"

At first the entire auditorium burst out with laughter and then the air was sucked out of it after everyone realized how embarrassing it was.

I like how this thread started out dumb, turned racist and retarded, then swerved into creative fiction. What's next?

Mine really happened. It was so funny that it has stuck with ever since lol

>>208316

Not sure I care if it's creative fiction. These last few stories have been fucking hilarious.

  >>208305
Ihave zpergos and I useguilt to my advantage

>>208305

Keep going if you want.

>>208299
> I'm a tester for a video game publisher

If you've worked at Activision, I think it would make us Eskimo brothers.

As I’ve mentioned before, both B.J and Alec had my mother for a teacher. For Christmas, B.J got my mom a broken Christmas ordainment from the dollar store and hand drawn Christmas card that featured the titanic hitting an iceberg. It was signed “Merry Christmas form B.J, the next Albert Einstein. P.S you are always wrong and Albert Einstein is not Jewish.” Alec gave my mom vegan bubble bath that smelled like urine.


Oh yes! B.J’s science fair project! As the next Albert Einstein, B.J was naturally gifted in science. His brilliant idea for a science fair project was to do a controlled study of the final battle of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time using two different controllers. In theory, it was actually a pretty legitimate experiment for a 9 year old because he was comparing the performance of a non-Nintendo controller with a different layout against the class N64 controller. However, in true Bwenden fashion, he managed to make a complete ass of himself. At first the teacher’s vetoed his experiment because it didn’t involve enough actual science and would be a bitch to set up. He threw a tantrum of epic proportions and his father threatened to sue. The school didn’t have an available T.V set for him to use because all the high school-ers had already claimed them for experiments that required a video to be shown. His father actually hauled this massive, massive 90’s style big screen T.V. into the school gymnasium. It required him to rent a pick-up truck and everything. They also had these gigantic speakers set up, it was absolutely deafening in there. I might actually have some pictures of it because my project was located pretty close to it. Anyway, during B.J’s big presentation, he ended up losing one of his battles. He threw his controller across the room, knocking over another kid’s project. She was only 7, so she immediately burst into big loud sobs. B.J kicked his T.V set and started screaming. He wanted to re-do the battle, but the teachers had had about enough B.J nonsense for one day. To my knowledge he is the only elementary school kid to ever be kicked out of the science fair.

Alec’s project was a landfill. He filled an old fish tank with dirt and put a bunch of garbage in it. It smelled like ass because he put cheese, yogurt and milk in it. There was also a naked Barbie doll floating around the hellish filth. My 9 year old heart broke for her.

B.J and Alec’s dad did get arrested for taking a dump in the toy isle of a Kmart. According to my brother, and I don’t know how accurate this is, the dad was shopping around when all of a sudden the feeling hit him. Rather than go to the bathroom like literally any other human, he choose to crap himself right in the middle of the store. And then- this is the part I really have trouble believing- he reached his hand into his pants and started smearing shit on one of the toys. People noticed immediately and called the police. They didn’t arrest him at the store, apparently a bit of detective work was involved. I really, really feel sorry for that crime lab, if that is indeed what happened.


this is a pic of B.J. I don't have one of Alec.

>>208395
>His brilliant idea for a science fair project was to do a controlled study of the final battle of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time using two different controllers.

oh wow... I don't really know how he or any other normal kid would be able to do that without a PC. And the other thing is why didn't he use a more technical game, like Street Fighter... But that's just an odd choice for a science fair project.

>>207932

B.J and Alec were perfectly "normal". Actually Alec may have been a little slow, but he never tested into special ed or anything like that. The only thing wrong with him was his eye problem. I think their weirdness came from their parents. That father was pretty out there. He was terrified of cleaning products. Terrified! He got some lawyer to compel the school to ban non-organic cleaning products with "chemicals" in them. The schools had to clean with vinegar and and other "natural" cleaners. So everything was always dirty and smelled like a deli.

>>208395
I fucking love you so much.

>Alec’s project was a landfill. He filled an old fish tank with dirt and put a bunch of garbage in it. It smelled like ass because he put cheese, yogurt and milk in it. There was also a naked Barbie doll floating around the hellish filth. My 9 year old heart broke for her.

Barbie Doll not withstanding, that could be argued a legit showcase of decomposition and bacterial cultures.

>>208406

Yeah, it was a decent project. Pretty good for a children's science fair. The Barbie was kind of a weird touch though.

>>208407
I'll take a stab, but maybe the barbie was a model for actual flesh? I know what you may be thinking, he could have used some chicken or beef to show how flesh is affected but maybe the barbie was to show that nothing is safe from bacteria?

Just a guess.

>>208402
Is their dad an aspire or just batshit fucking insane?

Also that Christmas card sounds classic. Did your mom keep it?

>>208416

If my memory servers me correctly, Alec was trying to show that some things won't break down as quickly as others. So I guess the barbie was to show that some things remain in a landfill for a long time. He just did it in a super creepy way!

>>208420

I think she did but we've moved house a few times since then so it may be hard to find. I doubt she threw it out though, it really made her laugh.

>>208425
Oh okay, makes sense now that you mention it. Now it makes me laugh since he didn't just use glass or plastic bottles.

>>208425
That's actually an impressive science fair project for a 7 year old. Absolutely disgusting yet just as impressive

>>208428

yeah, Alec was always always trying to be funny for attention but it never worked. I guess he thought that pretending to kill a barbie would give him positive attention from the other boys in his class. It didn't really work, because he was already the class loser and now the kids had proof that he had had a barbie.

>>208429

it is. It just goes to show that Alec probably would have been pretty normal. He wasn't mentally impaired in anyway.

>>208399

Sperglords love OoT. It was just a shitty excuse for him to play vidya games in school and show off how fucking great he was, I bet.

Did anyone ever tell BJ off? Like seriously just tell him to knock his shit off.

>>208913

yeah lots of times. He almost got expelled too. I guess it didn't work though because he still remains an asshole to this day.

>>209054

Do you know what they're doing now? Did his dad get out of jail?

Also, you said his mom was crazy too. Do you have any stories about her?

>>209079

his dad is out of jail, but has to register as a sex offender. A level one. I think my mom and sister have more stories about the mother. I do know that one day her neighbors caught her trimming and collecting their flowers with a pair of kitchen scissors. She kept saying "flowers are for everyone! you can't own flowers!!"


I know there are more about her, I'll ask around.

>>209103
A sex offender for shitting himself in a Kmart? I heard the law spams that, but geez.

>>209241

I agree that's harsh. But people have gotten Level one-ed for less.

>>208649
I had a sperg in my class when I was a kid who did a book report on Sonic games and the impact they left in in video gaming history. It was about an hour long and after he brought in some goats to class that his family raised to raise the wonders of organic goat milk. Although, I did hear he is a top notch scientist in the medical field now, despite always talking about Sega and shitting him self in class.

>>209368
Oh boy, have the failures have risen...

Is he the guy who discovered the Sonic Hedgehog gene?

>>209387
Also, yes that is a thing

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic_hedgehog

>>209390
>Wait, Sonic Hedgehog... they actually called a gene Sonic Hedgehog
>found that wiki
> and this;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic_hedgehog#Robotnikinin

The fuck?

>Some clinicians and scientists criticize giving genes frivolous, whimsical, or quirky names, calling it inappropriate that patients with "a serious illness or disability are told that they or their child have a mutation in a gene such as Sonic hedgehog."

lol'd

I have a story buy it majorly pales in comparison to these gems.

I was in an experimental middle school pilot program--very self-directed and research based class. The first two years were great, but with budget cuts and the only super succesful program being this one, they decides to pool some spergs in and mix grade levels--the idea being that the bright older students would sort od mentor and teach the other students.

We had:

A kid who interpreted native american legends as scientific truths (a report he did on snakes included how they have no legs because they lost them in a war)

A kid who wanted to be put in a big storage bucket and have it kicked.

A girl who would only draw parachutes.

A girl who is now a manly pornstar (famous for apparently having a crusty vagina).

And this one kid, spencer, who was almost a protochris. Fat, loved pokemon, lazy.

He told everyone during first day introductions that he knew he wouks be super popular because he knew all.pokemon by heart.

He was super into this other sperg, and he gave her a ring from a coin operated toy dispensor. He told everyone he fucked her andd let him call her misty. She responded by throwing s ring in his face and calling him a turd bugeler (yes, as in the instrument).

He famously did the pokerap during the all school talent show.

Took a bus two blocks up a hill every day to not walk.

Battery dying maybe more.later

>>209395
Oh man, I could just see this. A parent and their child go see a doctor who is a massive Sonic sperg.

Doctor: We found the cause of your child's odd behavior and illness
Parent: Give it to us straight, Doc. Will Johnny be okay?
Doctor:Oh yea, his Sonic hedgehog gene has a mutation
Johnny: What does that mean?
Doctor: UR 2 SLOW!! UR 2 SLOW!!
Parent: WTF?!

>>209398
>>209392

This wouldn't happen as these names are only given in animal settings. The fruitfly gene has that name but not the human variant.

>>209392
See also 'Pikachurin'.

>>209421
I don't think you know how gene names and gene homolog names work

>Sonic hedgehog homolog (SHH) is one of three proteins in the mammalian signaling pathway
>Mammalian
>Fruit fly
>Mammal

Where do you live and why do your flies have tits?

A recurring theme in a lot of these stories seems to be the trouble created when parents try to "mainstream" their mentally defective children, I've noticed.

>>209457

>homolog

bursted out laughing

>>209560
Are you thinking of a fusion of Homor and A-Log?

>>209693
Or a gay A-Log.

>>209826
You mean there's a hetero A-Log?

Holy shit.

>>209559
its not even an issue of them being in Special Ed, its an issue of ''should they even be in mainstream school in general'' Schools should put their foot down and say if they ever become a danger to others then they get expelled outright.

>>209559
I knew a couple who did that. Kid's about my age but he's so fucked up from it that he's literally worse than CWC (I hope that gets around the filter).

We got into a fist fight or two when we were younger, and I regret it a lot. I just didn't understand then because his parents INSISTED nothing was wrong.

He never got the help he needed. I don't know how he's going to function now. It's a shame, because he really could have been something if he did get the help.

I know it isn't exactly normal for a /cwc/ user to feel bad towards someone like that, but he really is nothing more than a vulnerable child.

He'll be a real, grown adult within the next couple of years, but I don't think I see him moving out beyond maybe a guest house on his parents' property. (That's another point, they coddled him beyond all belief because they spent fucking big on everything.)

I think he falls into that group of people that we really do end up feeling bad for fucking with, because it's simply just too painful to watch them struggle that even if it does produce something funny, it won't outweigh the cringe-worthyness.

>>210025
The problem is that Autism is not a mental disease anymore, it's a handicap. Under those terms, it would be discriminatory to NOT mainstream them. Yup, cocks everywhere.

I would mainstream my own autistic child to provide my brethren with more delicious cocks.

>>210036
Thank you for the sacrifice, brother.

>>210034
By that same logic, it becomes difficult to treat it. Many refuse to even take the necessary treatments to help them learn to socialize. You also can't argue that the whole ''spectrum'' nature of the syndrome has allowed for people who aren't and shouldn't be considered autistic/spergie to suddenly claim victim status.

>>210036
Now if only you could find someone willing to have sex with you

>>210042

This is the real tragedy. Those kids should receive the best help we can find them but the opposition of this is quite strong. There's the parents who hope their little snowflake was misdiagnosed or see them as special ''Indigo children'' who just need love and acceptance. There's also the school board who, reviewing the expense of hiring highly educated professionals to deal with those kids, prefer indulge the parent's dreams and save the money.

The loser in this situation is the "Neurotypical" child who just want to study (or get over the day) and see the teacher's time wasted on the class's "Special" ("Remember kids, the word retard make him sad!") kid. This is why Chris's teachers were so disposed of letting him sleep during his classes; less disturbance for the kids who want to study.

I can go far on this but I need to go on RandFag mode and nobody here want that.

>>210168
>all spergs are lazily unstudious and no perfectly fine but otherwise nigger kid has tried to create ruckus for the class

Good one.

>>210034
But it really isn't, and all of this French psychoanalytic-school mentality of 'autism is a psychotic pathology which should be locked away and segregated from society' can be equally as damaging as the full-inclusion model currently being promulgated now, which I happen not to agree with fully, though some are mild enough to complete the transition with no bother; these are typically the kind you wouldn't see as autistic, and they do exist. Not all of these are cock-creating machines, Chris-chan himself is a pretty extreme case statistically.

>>209397
>A girl who is now a manly pornstar (famous for apparently having a crusty vagina).

That's hot? Weird fucks

My stories are nowhere near as great as you guys'. I have a couple, however.

Earliest one I remember was this kid in my 2nd grade class named Seth. He had those really thick coke bottle glasses, uneven teeth and dressed basically like Chris, with a hint of Bill Cosby. He was nice enough, but every day at around 1:15 without fail, he'd ask the teachers (we had two) to use the potty. He would literally ask to use the "potty." No matter how much the teachers told him to call it the restroom, he insisted on potty. That's small time in terms of spergotry though.

The next one I remember was this halfro kid named Clyde. He had one of those rat tail hairstyles from the late 80s/early 90s. He was also extremely prone to outbursts, crying when he didn't get his way, and creeping on all the girls. He got kicked out of our class for telling the teacher to go fuck herself. When she called the principal who led him out of the room by the hand, he started crying and screeching.

The final one I can remember for now was some juggalo in my 7th grade advisory class (think homeroom). I was big into Vice City back then so I used to wear really garish Hawaiian shirts. The juggalo was obsessed with them and would constantly poke his fingers into the various islands, trees, etc. what have you on the shirts. When the advisory teacher told him to knock it off, he ran out of the room shrieking down the hall. Also, he once described jacking off on an airplane. I'm not sure if he was referencing an ICP song or just being a sperg.
That's all I can remember for now.

>>210259
Were you a special education student, by any chance?

>>210259
>I was big into Vice City back then so I used to wear really garish Hawaiian shirts.

cool sperg, bro

I talked about him briefly during the last thread, but he wasn’t too lulzy. Now that he’s losing his common sense, I have some stories to tell. I’ll post some more later, these are just the ones I remember right now.
There’s an aspie in my TV and Geography classe named Ed. Ed has the ass burgers, however you would think he has some serious mental disorder because his family is very passive and basically lets him do or say whatever he wants, without teaching him any social rules that others would normally pick up on. Back in middle school (when I first met him), he actually was a smart and reasonable guy, who knew about a variety of subjects, but something snapped between middle and high school that caused him to become super awkward.

He only will talk about three things: 1.) Minecraft, 2.) Pokemon, and 3.) My Little Pony. They’re also the only subjects he knows anything about. Whenever somebody refers to something other then those three subjects, he’ll ask “What’s X?” So far, he’s asked “What’s the Beatles?” “What’s American Idol?” “Who’s Bob Marley?”, among others. Every time he says something like that, chaos breaks out and the teacher has to shut him up before he says anything else.

He has a very creepy habit that he took from Minecraft. Whenever greeting somebody, he would sneak up behind somebody, hiss in their ears, and then let out a loud scream. One time, a girl got startled and punched him in the face, causing him to cry and she got an afternoon detention for hitting an aspie. He’s also deathly afraid of Creepers (the very thing he’s impersonating), and he’ll be sent into a panic if anybody mentions the word. Once, somebody did the same thing he would do and snuck up behind him, and he started crying and had his mom pick him up.

He writes horrible Pokemon fanfiction that he doesn’t post online, but instead shows everybody at school. He would insist you’ll read it even if you didn’t want to, and I was forced to read one of his works once. It’s your typical “humans turn into Pokemon” plot, but everything is super dragged out. Simply getting up and preparing for the day ahead took up the whole first chapter. When the characters turned into Pokemon, the female characters transforming bordered on fetishism, specifically describing one girls breasts becoming softer and jigglier until turning into clouds (like the Pokemon Altaria). Other then that, it was your usual fare you could read online.

He became obsessed with My Little Pony after overhearing some girl on the bus talking about it. Within a month, he brought figurines of all the ponies to school and started showing them off. He knows about the coney phenomenon, but he’s not aware that it’s mostly restricted to the Internet, and thus talks about MLP daily during class. Often times, he will interrupt a lesson to point out how similar the lesson is to a MLP episode, or just say he is going to watch the new MLP episode. The geography teacher is the one who hears it the most, and has picked up on it. He usually lets him speak, but makes fun him for it via backhanded compliments. Once, this banter broke out between them:

ED – Hey teacher, what’s my favorite show.
TEACHER – My Little Pony.
ED – Yes, but which version?
TEACHER – The original 80’s version.
ED – No, no, no, NOOOO!!!

Anarchy broke out in the classroom after that, and the teacher apologized to Ed. Many people like to trick him into thinking they also like the show, and they get him to admit to owning several Pony-related merchandise. He apparently bought a lunchbox (thankfully, he doesn’t bring it because it’s pink), and he has that DVD that came out a couple months ago.

The popular guys pretend to be friends with him so they can laugh at him, kind of like Timbox. He usually stirs up some pretty juicy lulz on Facebook. Once, a girl posted a picture of a condom she found in her washer, but she didn’t say it was anything. Most people understood what it was, but Ed said “That must have been one smelly sock!” Everybody started insisting it was a sock, but then this one guy broke it and explicitly stated it was a condom. The girl deleted the comment before he was online again, though.

Sorry for the tl;dr. I’ll post some more stories if anybody’s interested.

>1.) Minecraft, 2.) Pokemon, and 3.) My Little Pony.

three strikes, you're a sperg

>>210356
Wow he sounds like a perfect case
Does he by chance own a fedora, or on a love quest?

>>210396
If you ask him about love, he'll tell you that he has been secretly dating a girl since he was four years old, and that she lives across the country. Knowing him, I don't think he's lying, but rather he's taking a childhood crush way too far. I once asked him about his crush, and it turns out it's his cousin. I threw up a little in my mouth when I heard that.

>>210402
Why am I not suprised?

I know this one kid. Hes soper lullzy. He is onpopular and noone liks him. I troll him alll teh time. Once I said "iz ur hand bigger theen ur face?" He put his hand inn front of is fase and i it hin. I m a good troll.

>>210404
>I m a good troll.

>>210356
>"What's the Beatles?"
That kid needs to get punched.

>>210404
You're such a good troll that you never did that at all and simply leeched off a Cleveland episode. Asspie.

>>210419
No its tru. U r jely.

>>210356
>"What's the Beatles?"

I gotta tell you, if somebody said that to me, i'd run toward the nearest living thing and kill it.

>>210418
Spergin' over 80 year old hippies now, are we?

>>210426
The thing is, everybody knows about those 80 year old hippies, except a certain few, apparently.

>>210426
>>210427
It's weird though
The Beatles are everywhere, even kinda today
it's difficult to really not know who they are unless you have no TV or Internet
hell I listened to them on my grandmother's radio so I guess we can exclude family too
You pretty much have to be a pod baby to not know who they are, if they're good or not is another question, but it's almost like not knowing the color of the sky
And yes I know some of you don't actually know the color of the sky

>>210437
Nevertheless, you probably wouldn't have too much of a problem finding people who would struggle to identify a photo of Bill Clinton.

>>210419
>leeched off a Cleveland episode
wut

>>209392
Did a report on that for my Biology class.

It turns out Sonic Hedgehog causes certain forms of cancer and Robotnikinin inhibits the ligand pathway.

Sonic Hedgehog is linked to certain cancers. I laughed.

I know a couple of sperghats but I don't know if you guys will give a fuck to be honest.

I don't know, just tell me if you want me to divulge my yarns.

>>210452
Don't bother.

>>210452

>tripfag wants to tell story

please dont

I used to be a ten year old kid who was totally obsessed with Zelda.

Was I a lolcow? Yea, I was really overly sensitive and would punch people in rage. I would even fight people bigger than me, and I spent most of my time alone because my family was poor and my single mother was over protective. I was also a Socialist as a teen. And I was also a "nice guy" who didn't know how to respond to a girl kissing me (it was my first time).

Luckily, I'm not autistic, so social situations aren't hard unless I'm just feeling bad about myself.

How lolcow was I? Anyone else a lolcow as a kid/teen?

>>210494
I think it's pretty normal for 10 year olds to like video games and as a teen to be moody/angry and just be learning about romance.

>>210494
I became best friends with somebody after beating him up.

We're like brothers now.

>>210494

I was a major lolcow as a kid. When I was 11-ish I made a terrible flash animation and some people on newground said it sucked, so I got really *really* buttmad over it for like three days and tried to think of responses to tell the haters. Then I got over it and decided not to respond to them and move on.

>>210494
>Acting like a retarded 10 year old at age 10
>acting like a retarded teenager as a teenager
>realizing you were being retarded
How lolcow were you? Barely

You were just being retarded. If you kept on acting that way then yes you would be one

>>210500
link? if you put it up on FailGrounds it should still be there

I used to know one in sixth form. He's called Divinity Enforcer, LordLysander or BigBouncyFurries. He's been trolled by /b/tards several times but never really broken into 'stardom' although his 40k collection is legendary. He's created a lot of butthurt in his time, I've seen him mentioned before on 789chan and I'm not really surprised.

I do not have any first hand experience of what he's being doing in the past seven years, but yeah he's basically a massive sperg who loves Warhammer, Sonic, Furry porn, and My Little Pony. He annoys people with bullshit coney memes and trying to interest people in his home made pony porn.

At school he was just incredibly creepy; quiet, always muttering to himself, occasionally plucked up the courage to start making stupid fucking boasts. He tried to convince people he had psychic powers and that he had an evil twin who was trying to ruin his life. He tried to act like a tough guy but was always a massive coward; he'd shout shit like "I have a dark side that you do not want to mess with, I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare" and would then run off like a little bitch if anyone reacted.

He was obsessed with Sonia from Sonic Underground in Secondary School and got REALLY into Sonic Adventure 2 especially Rouge the Bat. He began to carry a folder around with him, and wouldn't show it to anybody... until sixth form, when he seemed to stop giving a shit about anything and would happily subject people to horrific furry porn and his own self-insert/Sonic/Star Trek erotic fanfiction.

Some guys in his classes started to fuck around with him posting shit on his Fanfiction accounts, and he'd write them into his stories and torture them. During his 'bisexual phase' (his words) he wrote a friend of mine into his Dungeon Keeper fanfic as some kind of BDSM slave.

He is everything you could want in a lolcow; a weird, sexually confused drama queen with strange obsessions that he takes way too far. But his natural cowardice applies to the internet and he runs from trolling to hide behind his personal army rather than responding with sweet new cocks. The people in school who actually stood up to him and told him to fuck off really got to him, he was *still* writing oh-so-tragic self insertion fanfics about how much they hurt his feelings by the end of sixth form. Far as I know he's just withdrawn from mainstream society and only goes outside to play Warhammer, otherwise he lives with his mom and spends all of his free time online or drawing pony porn.

>>210525
Here's some paints from way back when. This is probably one of his better units. Better than his Barbie Panzer, a chaos predator that he poured bright pink paint on top of and left to harden on a windowsill.

I also forgot to mention that he used to sperg about politics all the time like ADF, but somehow understood even less about politics then ADF. He'd rant about how the UK Conservative Party are demons and their leader of the time was Count Dracula in disguise. He was obsessed with Neil Kinnock but he didn't actually know who Neil Kinnock was. I think some of it was just stuff he was repeating from his crazy dad, who he didn't live with but idolized. Guy had/has huge mommy&daddy issues.

>>210525
what the fuck is Sixth Form? Is that his power level or something?

>>210441
http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/2011/10/sonic-the-hedgehog-and-autism/

OK WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS IS THE SAUDI RESEARCHER. I KNOW IT'S ONE OF YOU. I KNOW IT IS.

I think form is the UK term for "grade".

Like how they call them "marks" but we still call them "grades".

Imirite?

>>210531
>>210533
Sixth form is where 16-18's go for further education, can also be called college. Basically equivalent to US high school.

It's sometimes called sixth form because of many secondary schools (11-16) that offer further education as a sixth year on top of the mandatory five.

>>210531
I bet it's Yasmin

>>210525
Oh my, I remember Lord Lysander. He is to /tg/ what Chris is to /v/.

>>210536
There are a lot of spergs in sixth forms. Normally sixth forms are part of a high school and people see it as the easiest step into higher education.
Sixth forms do A-levels and high BTECs, which have high entry requirements. However most schools let spergs into sixth form regardless of what they got in GCSE (GCSE exams are easy and require little revision) because the school gets £2000 for every student that gets through sixth form.
For example, in my sixth form there is a couple of fake glasses wearing hipsters with a unfunny youtube comedy channel, a lol XD so randumb person who now is doing an online microsoft course, a gay furry who likes sonic and has one single dreadlock because he never washed his hair and someone with a "split personality guardian demon" inside his brain who writes creepy self insertion stories about girls he wanted to fuck.

>>210542
Derp. Meant to link to >>210532

>>210530
>those paints

My god.

Did he ever write shit about Mary Sue 40k units?

>>210530
THIN

YOUR

FUCKING

PAAAAAAAAAINTS

>>210628
>paint thinning
>the only issue with his set

Besides, fuck it, GW might as well leach money off of him.

>>210530
>Reginald the slaneeshi thrall

SPEIS MUH-REEEENS

>>210530
I'm sure that baby seal is the terror of the Emperor's enemies.

>>210530
God damn thicks paints are thick.

I once knew someone in high school, let's call him Pete. Pete hated anybody popular and anyone who liked the popular kids. Hell knew no worse fury than if the "smug fucks" got more attention than he did. Most of his angry outbursts revolved around the injustice over how the "smug fuck" was more well liked and popular than he was, completely neglecting the fact that said smug fuck was actually a pretty cool guy whereas Pete spent most of his time angrily obsessing about how to act like and be someone other than he was.

This wasn't even the funniest part about him though. Our favourite part of Pete was how he ignited red-hot over his personal life. He never had any girlfriends, and would get either very uncomfortable or visibly angry when he overheard people talking about sex, their sex lives, or otherwise indirectly reminded him that there were people other than him having sex. Naturally, we made it a hot topic to discuss completely fake and bombastic sex stories around him. It was always funny seeing Pete slam his hands down, sigh heavily, get up, and move in a huff upon hearing "I got laid last night". He even called me a "fucking slut" and a "fucking chav" after he overheard a (completely fake) story of me getting blown.

If you weren't careful, he'd devolve every conversation into how poorly he performs at dating. He was the kind of person who took it upon himself to remind himself about how ugly and bad he was at dating, despite the fact that he came across as ashamed of it. You could be discussing something inane like what colour your car was and he would find a way to slip in "Like how bad I am at dating!" or "Yeah, that's almost as bad as my face!" or "Heh, bad like my sex life!".

I have tons more Pete stories but I have to try and remember them. I do know that he's now 20 and he hasn't changed much, other than losing 110 pounds and turning into this weird mix of a twink and nerd.

>>210530

The menace of the mounted orc heads are somewhat undercut by the big-eyed stuffed baby seal in the background.

>>210649
>>210649
>lost 110lbs
So is he like an ex-fatty or is this turning into a manorexia situation? Or both? That seems rather dramatic.

>>210681

Frankly, I'm not even sure. He brags to me about how he spends seven hours a day biking while eating 1800 calories a day. Does that count as manorexia?

>>210681

Oh, and this isn't even to say he was that fat to begin with. He started at about 16 stone and now weighs something 114 pounds. Seeing him now reminds me of Steve Jobs.

>>210696
Figures are kinda meaningless without height.

>>210699

I really have no idea, probably 173cm if I had to guess. He's not big.

>>210706
So around 5'6'' and 8 st.

>>210706
He went from the lower end of class II obesity to normal weight. That's kind of impressive.

>>210716

Yes, but unfortunately, he still fails to realize his weight wasn't the damn problem when it came to girls. Although he's not as much of a spergy pity-party as he was in high school; now he's motivated but completely clueless. Now he's lonely nutball who thinks that a girlfriend is one haircut, clothing style, or pound away. Instead of, you know, asking the damn girl out.

Can't even remember this guy's name now. I knew him in passing throughout secondary school, but he was a year or two older than me. Was a fairly typical sperg; his obsession was buses. He used to check books about buses out of the library, but the weird bit was how he'd stand on the street watching the school buses go by at the end of the day. As they passed by him, he'd go into this weird tic where he'd feverishly rub his hands together, kind of Montgomery Burns style, and then he'd scrunch up his face so it looked a bit masturbatory. If anybody called out to him, it seemed to provoke him to do this even more. He'd often be seen doing the hand-rubbing and face-scrunching during the day at school, but bus time would really set him off.

I remember stories going around that his father was a bus driver who'd died, or other elaborate stuff like that, but in retrospect it was probably just a sperg thing.

He was pretty okay otherwise. He'd come to be kind of a rules stickler to dodge bullying; if anybody tried to mess with him, he'd recite back sections of the school rules they were violating. That's about all I remember, no idea where he ended up.

I used to live in this shitty little hick town in West Texas when I was a kid that was full of interesting mental defectives. The ones that really stand out were these two brothers or cousins (probably both) I had a bunch of classes in 9th grade with.

They were both really strange looking, like the had Downs or FAS or some shit like that. They should have been in special ed, but again, shitty hick town. I don't think the school had the budget. One of them was especially fucked up. He was a pyro who went around playing with matches and fireworks and he was also obsessed with scat. Sometimes he'd have these freakouts where he'd run around yelling about toilet stuff. The other one wasn't as fucked up, but he'd egg his brother or whatever on and he was a creep to all the girls.

Looking back, I almost miss the little morons. There were a lot of fuck ups at my new school after my family moved to Maryland but none were nearly as amusing.

i knew tis gy whooo whas su stpid. onc we prank calld hiss cel pone. we sad "i ur gilfrend i luv u". he sad he hed nnoo grlfrend. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

In one of my classes I was a teacher's aid for my Spanish teacher the previous year. I guess you could say I was her pet, but I digress.

There was this sperg named Ken. Ken was an odd little snowflake. Like, seriously, he was the same color of snow. You could tell he never went outside. He wasn't the good kind of pale; it was a sickly paleness. Funny enough, he was incredbily clean. He smelled like a sterile room or something.

The few days he was in class (he had a free pass to leave whenever he wanted to go to the sperg room), he would do some of the strangest shit in his desk. Once, when the teacher was going over a lesson, he started gnawing at his shoe; his whole leg was doubled over his desk as he tore at his shirt collar while muttering to himself. The class was very freaked out by this. This was only a week or so into the school year, so I knew I would be in for some delicious cocks.

More than once, when the air conditioner would kick-on, he would flip his shit screaming, "HUH?!?!? WHAT WAS THAT?!?!"

Most days were simply him interrupting at inappropriate times during lessons to get help on his work because he liked to work ahead of everyone else. (Because you know, he is a speshul little snowflake that had to have the class taliored to his needs.) The teacher was getting pretty irritated with him, even though she was good at keeping her cool.

He started getting really cringe-worthy when he started parroting internet memes in the middle of class. He would ask the teacher "Are you a wizzard?" or walk around class saying "Haterz gonna hate dot ay vee eye."

Ken liked contact. Alot. He liked to give hugs to everyone. Thankfully, he never tried to hug me for I have a Y chromosome. He only hugged girls. Pretty ones. I assume most felt obligated to hug him out of pity, or not wanting him to start having a 'tism fit. One of the strangest incidences of him and human contact was once during the start of class. The teacher and I were talking about mundane shit when he came in and started getting really, REALLY close to her from behind her chair. She though he was just going to hug her, and, being a kind Sikh woman, she was going to return his hug.

Only then did he open his whole mouth, like a fucking hippo, and place it on her shoulder. He didn't bite her, he just placed his whole mouth on her like a suckerfish. She made a few attempts to brush him off before he finally let go out of his own volition.

Not ten seconds afterwards, the teacher and I both looked at each other with a holyshitwhatthefuckjusthappened look on our faces.

That was the only lolcow I really got to see in action.

I never see the little turd anymore, though.

>>210532
HA HA. OH WOW.

This report came out a couple of months right after my paper. It would've had been great to add this to my references.

Some how the name Sonic Hedgehog being linked to autism and cancer seems like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

These newer stories are pretty good, but I miss the Tales of BJ and Alec.

I love this thread. I hope it gets archived. IRL lolcow stories are the best!

>>211098
you should look out for /r9k/ retard threads, they are pretty much the same thing.

I don't personally have any more because most of my stories are of regular people doing stupid shit. But I know of a few spergs that go to my sisters high school.

There's one kid who thinks he's a wolf. She said that he wears those stupid looking tie dye indian shirts all the time, has a fake wolf tail, and tells everyone that he has a wolf spirit living inside of him. One of my sister's friends was actually nice to him, so he started stalking her.


My personal favorite story is that there's a boy who pretends he's a velociraptor. She said that he walks around with his arms drawn up to his sides all the time and bobs his head as he walks. He also apparently lets out random roars and runs through the halls doing the head bob thing.


Lastly, there's a guy who thinks he's a rapper that her entire school trolls. My sisters friends have trolled him into thinking that he got a record contract and they're currently trolling him into believing he's dating some scene girl online. He also has a rival rapper and they've had rap battles at the talent show. But one time his rival went to juvie, and apparently the stupid kid started wearing camouflage and acting like a redneck then, but after his rival came back he got back out his chains and wide rimmed hat.

>Guy who thinks he's a wolf
>Guy who thinks he's a raptor
>Guy who thinks he's a rapper

I smell a sitcom!

>>211247

Yeah, I personally have doubts about raptor boys legitimacy though. But if he's real, he's exactly how I imagine Timbox would act in school

>>211305

I knew a guy who would act like a raptor back when I was in elementary school. He would stalk me around during recess and jump on me, screeching and clawing at my face. He also tortured bugs and tiny animals but that's more of a sociopath thing than a lolcow thing.

>>211305

I knew a guy who would act like a raptor back when I was in elementary school. He would stalk me around during recess and jump on me, screeching and clawing at my face. He also tortured bugs and tiny animals but that's more of a sociopath thing than a lolcow thing.

A few months ago I had a pretty serious run in with a Lolcow. He was a 6'0 350 LB autist named Ryan, but everyone around knows him as Boot Straps. He's a pretty huge dude and would be imposing if he wasn't quite clearly a homosexual deviant of the highest order.

The first thing you notice is he wears shorts, tie dye shirts and velcro sandals 365 days a year (keep in mind we're talking about the Northeast United States here). Then you see him walk and it's all you can do to not laugh - he buries his chin in his chest which showcases his prounced double/triple chin, he walks on the balls of his feet, keeps his arms straight at his sides with his hands flared out, and sashays his hips like a pro. He has a lot of other feminine mannerisms as well - he likes to put his hands on your arms and shoulders when he talks, he keeps one hand on his chest at all times, and cackles like a woman.

All of this is pretty well explained away due to the fact that his father molested him when he was little then deserted his family. I actually felt quite bad for him at first and decided to be a friend of sorts. Boy was that a mistake.

I met him through my fiance, who went to church with him. After meeting him a few times he added me on facebook, my fiance warned me not to friend him, but I didn't listen - I sure wish I had.

Not more than a few minutes after I added him he started messaging me. At first it was harmless - he talked about sports and video games. Then I got up to do other stuff and when I got back I had about 10 messages asking me if I was ok or ignoring him and then begging for my forgiveness. He also messaged my fiance, asking what he had done wrong. I assured him I wasn't mad, he then asked for my cell number, thanfully I had the presence of mind to not give it to him ( I later found out that he texts you constantly and calls you if you don't respond right away).

Whenever I saw him in public, he acted really weird, almost ignoring you. I almost thought that someone was fucking with me, pretending to be him.

Then next few weeks saw him ask me constantly to set up dates to play pool or go to the bar or watch football over messenger. I politely skirted it, I was quickly finding out how unusal he was. Then it happened.

One day he asked me if he could ask me some questions. I said yes out of morbid curiosity. He started asking me things like "How do men walk?" and "How do men shake hands?" - I answered as best I could, telling him to do what made him comfortable. Then he started asking me to tell him about the birds and the bees as well as asking me if he could call me his big brother (I'm in my twenties, he's in his mid 30's). Eventually I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with his questions. Then I went offine on facebook messenger for a few weeks.

Over this time he posted statuses like "why doesn't anyone want to talk to Ryan?" and "I though fb was for chatting! If you don't want to talk to me, I'll delete you!". Finally he got fed up and defriended me I guess. A few weeks later he tried to add me again, I refused it.

Back in High School i knew this kid named Phillip, he had cerebral palsy and rarely talked. He was perfectly intelligent and got decent grades (thanks his therapy) but his social skills were absolutely pitiful, thanks in no small part to the fact that he could barely talk.

He was obsessed with the Friday the 13th movies and wore a hockey mask to school everyday, which the school allowed because his parents were lawyers.

He never really had any major freak outs but he did have a tendency to act really dickish when provoked. One time while he was talking down the hall, some chick shouted "GOOOOOAL!" at him.

He responded by limping over to her, slapping the books out of her hands and saying "W-w-what are you gonna do 'bout it? M-my dad's a lawyer, you b- b- b- BITCH."

One day we were in creative writing class and i was writing a story about the Irish Mob fighting The Triad, he leaned over to me and whispered "hey, wanna check out my screenplay?"

With a bit of caution and a little excitement, i said "yes." He handed his laptop over to me and i read through his story.

It was a Friday the 13th called "Jason vs. Jason X." The basic plot was Jason X got his ass kicked by some "master scientist and military commander" (who also had CP and was named Philip) so he went back in time to kill him as a kid. Meanwhile, the regular Jason takes pity on the kid because he has CP and decides he wants to protect him, so Jason ended up fighting his more powerful futuristic counterpart.

So yeah, it was pretty much just Terminator 2 with the name changed around. It even had Phil trying to keep Jason from killing people and Jason saving Phil's mom from a mental institution. Phillip added some of his own stuff though, instead of disgusing himself as people, Jason X could assimilate certain pieces of technology, his one hand was a grenade launcher. Freddy Kruger was in there for some reason, and there was also a subplot with a team of military commandos sent back to the past to kill Jason led by a space bounty hunter whom the script described as "a cross between Ash from Evil Dead and Van Helsing."

The script got really convoluted the longer it went on, with the national guard showing up, an evil corporation with mercenaries trying to harness Jason X's power, and for some reason the aliens from Killer Klowns from Outer Space showed up.

It all ended with all the extra guys killing each other off outside some empty warehouse, Freddy getting killed by the space bounty hunter, and Jason destroying Jason X in pretty much the exact same way they killed the evil terminator in that movie.

After i finished reading, Phillip asked me "H- how'd 'ya l- like it?" I smiled and said "I loved it, Phillip." I wasn't just being nice, i really did love it, because i was a teenager and that was the exact kind of shit i was into.

He actually ended up doing pretty well for himself, he graduated relatively without much wackiness and he ended up going to the University of Michigan. I haven't seen him in years.

God, i miss that kid.

There was one kid we called Super Tard back in high school because he got hit by a truck twice and wasn't even hurt. He constantly had a yugioh deck and one of those arm things with him at all times and a plastic sword in a holster. Worst thing I can remember him doing is grabbing some female exchange student from England and held the fake sword against her throat pretending to be a character from Naruto.

Another kid I knew we called Count Fagula because he wore a Halloween vampire cape to school everyday and quoted Symphony of the Night over and over. He was also in the school marching band and "played" guitar for it.

>>210533
A mark is the score you get in a test (37/60, say). A grade is the category your mark falls into (A, B, C / 1st, 2:1, 2:2 etc).

>>211570

This kid doesn't sound like a lolcow, barring the hockey mask thing. Cool story though, thanks for sharing.

My 13 year old trans (M2F) sister is a junior tumblr user and "social justice" advocate who recently (and angrily) tried to explain to my 80 year old grandpa the concept of slut-shaming (on his birthday) when he said "Your butt must be cold in that skirt."

She loves anime, goth lolita stuff, cosplay, Homestuck, MLP, Twilight, The Hunger Games, Guilty Gear, The Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, Final Fantasy, and Sonic, and is a "gamer grrrl" who constantly injects Internet memes into our conversations when she isn't going on about "ableism" or something. She is a self-diagnosed sperg (because she thinks that the psychology/psychiatry industries are oppressive) and calls herself "deafblind" because she has slight hearing loss in one ear and wears glasses.

She thinks that age of consent laws are "ageist", and thinks that laws against necrophilia, polygamy, zoophilia, and incest are discriminatory. She dyes her hair all sorts of stupid colors, had a friend pierce her navel, and wanted to be CWC's next sweetheart when I showed some videos of him to her. She is also a self-proclaimed Marxist, thinks that America deserved 9/11, and insists that our Irish family must have some Japanese heritage. She also calls herself "gender fluid", "pansexual", and regularly refuses to shave various parts of her body. According to her online profiles, she's also a "sadomasochist switch" and into all sorts of other weird stuff, but I think she's just lying for attention (though I worry about my other siblings and the family dog).

Tbh, she reminds me of a junior ADF (though vastly less ugly and fat) mixed with sanityscraps (who I think she may have talked to on tumblr) and a bit of pixyteri. I still love her, though, so I'm trying my hardest to moderate her worst tendencies. Every day, I get worried that I'm going to find a thread about her on here. I'm pretty sure she's already sent at least a few people nudes (and the pictures on her Facebook are bad enough).

My parents give her whatever she asks (like a week-long trip to Japan, hormone blockers, and expensive cosplay outfits) and she accuses me of "transphobia" whenever I comment on her behavior. She's basically a huge attention whore and, I fear, future lolcow.

So, does she count?

>>211891
Sounds like my brother except he's 20 and way worse. I've considered doxing him but I don't want him to get all dramatic and stress my mom out.

>>211891
And people wonder why I have no desire to ever have children...

>>211899
Back when I was in HS (1995-1999, yeah I'm old) I remember thinking about how fucked the next generation would be with kids who were born in the 70s and 80s having kids of their own. And so it has come to pass.

>>211891
Dear lord
If spergs had gods I'd consider him one.

>>211988
http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Category:CWCkipedians_who_are_Ass_Burgers
If this is real it's most likely one of these accounts.

>>211992
http://sonichu.com/cwcki/User:SenorTucan Maybe?

>>212000

>senor

nope. but that page is delicious

>I just realized something, Chris believes that his comics and everything therein is real, every character is a real person that has a life.In his comics Chris has written the deaths and murders of HUNDREDS of people. Chris has KILLED PEOPLE and he doesn't seem to care.

>>212013

because this thread went from funny to a long protracted fanfic. let's move on.

does anyone have any stories grounded in reality?

>>212018

oh i sure am.

sorry to burst the fake tranny sister bubble.

i hear people with autism are pretty easy to fool.

>http://sonichu.com/cwcki/User:BreadGod
>The cockss of Lyrics and the Eerie Similarities with Chris's Condition
>metal
>sperging
>posts here

hahahaha thank you http://sonichu.com/cwcki/Category:CWCkipedians_who_are_Ass_Burgers

>>212025
http://sonichu.com/cwcki/User:N._Onymous
>mfw the CWCki has a user template for Pedofork

http://sonichu.com/cwcki/User:Shawths

>Hello I'm Shawths a 22 year old aspie who is more than happy to in any way contribute to the humiliation of the colossal embarrassment to humanity as well as all autistics aka Chris Chan. I may be a autistic who has been in the past trolled but I think Chandler deserves what he gets.

>I personally think that Special Ed teachers should maybe use a partially censored version of chris life to teach their students on what not to do.

A fucking good thread was derailed by sperging over trannies.

HATNETO DEMANDS AN END TO THIS BULLSHIT. THIS THREAD IS HEREBY PURGED, AND DISCUSSION IS ONCE AGAIN OPEN. DISCUSS YOUR IRL LOLCOWS FREELY AND WITHOUT FEAR.

HATNETO HAS SPOKEN.

>>212081
If it makes you feel any better, i could go back and delete all the tranny posts.

I'm not sure if i should delete the original story on not though.

>>212098
PLEASE GOOD SIR

http://sonichu.com/cwcki/User:Miss_Noel

Oh man you guys, there's a user template for trannies. Cross-reference that with aspergers and...

>>212098
Couldn't we just ban all trannies? They never contribute to anything and they're shitposters, every single one of them.

>>211891

Is this your brother?

http://risencrust.tumblr.com/

>>212116
This is worse than a beheading video. Why do you hate me?

>>211891
You described qualities of nearly every lolcow to ever be posted here...

Does he have a recolor?

The sad thing is, even if that 13 year old tranny isn't real, there are literally thousands of people on the internet just one small characteristic away from "her", right down to fandoms and the bdsm thing.

This one is about the creepy mascot that went to my high school. Well, he had a reputation of awkwardly flirting with all the girls in the high school and couldn't understand when they were extremely put off by him. I think he has Aspergers or something. Literally he would sneak up behind girls and breathe down their necks. He even tried to use the fact that he was a mascot in order to get laid. Watching the guy was pretty painful! Once, he got onto the roof of the school, threatening that he was going to jump off. I think the firefighters and the police were called to get him down. Well, I guess he was taken to the hospital. According to him, the people at the hospital did a psychological exam on him and released him when they found out that he only did it for attention. The next day, he bragged about the incident and told quite a few people what happened.

Apparently, he has a wife or a girlfriend and a daughter today. He's also apparently working towards getting his GED

There was this autistic kid in my high school who was a neo nazi and would always tell people about how the Germans were genetically superior and had more advanced metabolisms. He once wrote an essay for english that was like "people in africa have uncontrollable sex drives which leads them to commit rapes and increase their population" or something. Anyone who had been in close proximity to him said he smelled like shit, and one day we found out why: a couple kids, out of curiosity, looked in his man purse (which he would always carry around) and found adult-size diapers. He also claimed to have super powers like ultra-sensitive hearing. In fact, one of my friends made a least of super powers he'd claimed to have and somehow "bestiality" ended up on there.

>>212127
>Wife
Does she weigh 400 pounds or did he somehow get fixed?
if neither I'd try to warn him before she ends up killing him in a fit of insanity.

This is the same guy who knew Pete.

I also know someone else who thinks he's gay because he "didn't get laid as a teen-ager." I'm completely serious, he is openly gay of sorts but treats the entire thing as if it were this horrible disease he needs to work diligently to rid himself of.

He regularly invests considerable effort (and money) in "changing" himself (even considering flying to the US for straight camp), thinks all gays have AIDS and virulently hates everyone with AIDS, believes 99% of the country wants gays systematically executed (his statistic and words), and blames EVERYTHING on being gay, Like, failing a maths class means he was too gay to be intelligent, or having anxiety or depression is "related to the gay gene." Like Pete and his loneliness, this guy loves to turn everything into an "I'm gay" pity party.

He also has a bit of love-shy in him too, blaming women he knew as an adolescent for "not fucking [him] so [he] could've been straight." I wish I was making this up.

He also carries around his iPad everywhere and writes long-winded tirades against gays and doctors on how society needs to cure homosexuality. He even sent me a few and they were something like 15 pages each of "the 60s suck because that's when people stopped hating gays" and "not getting laid in high school turns you gay".

Unsurprisingly, he's a miserable fucking bastard who was never seen with either women or men. He boastfully tells me how he's still a virgin at 21 and has "resisted the siren call of AIDS."

Strangely enough, his endless, repetitive, and annoying hate for gays isn't religious based; he insists that he's atheist and only "objects" to gays because "they all have AIDS from unnatural sex." If you bring up the issue of straights having anal sex, he'll mention how they should reintroduce the death penalty for "trasmissing" AIDS.

>>212165
>teacher I can't do math because I haven't been laid so I'm gay


Wat

I've got a couple, don't know if they can be called lolcows or not, though, but definitely off.

First up is my former neighbor. I hardly live in Shangri-La, but when he moved in, the hallway in my building went from "old and musty" to "vile trash heap." See, my neighbor (Joe) was a hoarder. And every day, he'd wander to the dumpster in the complex, dig shit out of it, and bring it back to the apartment, where he would leave it in the hallway with the intent of "fixing" it. One day I came home and the hallway was FILLED, from front to back, with garbage he dug out of a dumpster. He broke into a utility closet in the hall and started storing his shit in there, which unfortunately was next to my apartment. When you bring in filth from the dumpster, you bring in roaches. They came through the hallway walls into my apartment. I had to have words with the landlady.

Evidently AT&T refused to enter his apartment because it was so filthy. When I had to walk outside, I could actually smell his apartment through the closed door. It was a mixture of shit, old man stink, and garbage. He also had set up a "work area" in the parking lot where he hung his skanky wet shirts on other people's cars to dry (he did his laundry in his bathtub, despite the free laundromat available). He would haul garbage out there every day and just work on it the whole time.

My apartment's ceiling fell in (again, I don't live in Shangri-La) and I had to move. One of the first things I did was throw out the disgusting, soaking wet, sheet-rock covered carpet in the dumpster. Three days later (in 80 degree weather at the bottom of a dumpster), the carpet was fished out again and in the hallway. I've moved since then to a different apartment in the same complex, but I'm still close enough that I see the shirtless oaf wandering around poking in the garbage bins.

The second lolcow was a woman in a college class with me. I kind of felt bad for her bcause it was obvious she was starving for any attention from another adult. She was divorced and was such a pain in the ass you could tell she had no friends her age to talk to, so it was just her and her son. She constantly rambled about her son to anyone within earshot who would listen. Evidently he was getting bullied at school. She mentioned that a kid pulled a knife on her son, and a bunch of people said to tell the police if the school's not doing anything about it. Her response? "I wouldn't want to cause trouble."

She would constantly read two units ahead of everyone and interrupt with questions about how something the teacher was talking about interacted with shit the class had no idea about. When the teacher would say "We'll come to that later," she would get all huffy and indignant.

The funniest day was when one of the professors was near death from a cold and was obviously the kind of person who's pissed of when they're sick. In the middle of the woman's incessant questioning, the professor stops her and tells her that she's being a nuisance to the class and if she has questions she should refrain until the end of class. That set off a wholllle can of worms. In tears, the woman was trying desperately to explain how she was trying so hard to understand the material and how it wasn't fair because it moved too fast and blah blah blah.

The professor informed her it would be a lot easier if she didn't fly ahead in the book instead of listening to the lecture. She was then told to leave the class. It was pretty awkward considering she was like 45. She was in class the next day, though, so I guess they talked it out.

>>212177
>I hardly live in Shangri-La
>Jenga talks about lolcows he met in his third tier toilets
Cool story brah, got any more stuff about your friends?

>>211383
fiancée - future wife
fiancé - future husband

>>212208
Says the worst tripfag on the board. Jenga is the only one worth a fuck. Go soak your head, queer.

>>212220
>Go soak your head, queer.
If that's what gets you off...

>>212173

That sums it up. I'll try to find and pastebin some of the tripe he sent to me.

>>212228
Holy shit! What a comeback. Oscar Wilde would be proud of you, Rika. Everyone on the board respects you now!

>>211891

It might be a good idea to show your parents some of the worse parts of the online communities she frequents. Tell them you're concerned about the affect it might have on her and that they should curtail her internet usage.

Also, does she have friends and hobbies outside of the internet/anime/fandom? All thirteen-year-olds are socially unaware and love terrible mass-market media. If she's going to grow out of it, she needs to have regular exposure to people outside of that bubble. When I was that age, I had a phase when I was a huge video game sperg and another where I was a social justice sperg. The reason those are just embarrassing memories today are because I read, played music, and went to parties, and that taught me how to be a functioning human being.

>>212208
>>212228
u mad?

>>212208

>>212236
>>212244
Mods please make the summer go away

>>212246

>>212233

Holy word wrap batman. Here's the pastebin instead of a direct upload:

http://pastebin.com/NKaYt78Q

>>212208

>>212208
>>212228

Thanks for derailing another thread, you fucking homosexual deviant.

>>212256
>open pastebin link
>Before I write this, I must preface that I am an atheist and a man of science.

>>212256

>Why even bother maintaining your health at that point by GOING to the GP? Anal sex will kill anyone who practices it within five seconds of the first try. It is veritable suicide. It is the deadliest of all acts anyone can do in anything ever anywhere anytime of anything.

lmao

>>212256
When did Chris start writing under a pseudonym

>>211891
oh god

this is bad, even by teenage famewhore standards

you must dox

>>212712
1. It's his sister. It would be somewhat self-destructive to dox.
2.Fake and gay.

>>212712

My sister is a good person. She's just misguided.

>>212720
and fake

>>212751

Your parents won't help your sister change her attitude, you can't... clearly the most moral course of action is to let her get trolled so that she learns her lesson.

>>211891

>M2F
>13

How does it feel having gigantic betas for parents?

>>212774

They're not betas, just permissive.

>>211891
You should kill your abomination of a sibling

>>212164
She's actually average looking. I dunno about her mental state

Hey, dude with the tranny brother-sister, why don't you make your OWN thread about him/her/it? You've completely hijacked this one.

There's one problem with your story (well, there are a lot of problems, this is just a glaring problem): doctors don't give hormone blockers or hormones to someone who is 13 years old...at least, not in any industrialized nation. It just doesn't happen, and for reasons that should be pretty obvious. So unless you're going to try to say your parents are buying her hormones and/or hormone blockers on the black market, you're full of shit.

>>212806

I would support that. Everyone's saying "FAKE" but haven't we already taken it for granted that *every* story in this thread might be fake, yet the thread is still interesting? Everyone's attitude seems to be "your sister enrages me so much that I literally don't want to hear about her at all", which seems silly since a lot of retards/trannies on here inspire rage in some people, yet we still learn new info on them as it becomes available.

Basically, even if your sister is fake or rage-inducing, you might as well make a thread because it would just be business as usual on here.

>>212810

Hey, I haven't actually read the story but I saw your post on the frontpage and uh... yeah they do. They absolutely give hormones to people that age and younger. If a child has permission from their parents they will try to give them hormones to delay puberty, since when someone's past that point there's relatively not much the mones can do. Not saying anything about the validity of whatever you're arguing about, but on that point you're wrong - as a quick google would have found out.

Shut up all of you, y'all are trannies that are worse than Rika. I want to hear about Bwenden again. I want to hear about any amusing sperg. I don't want to see the trannies come out to bitch.

As promised way, way earlier in the thread, I asked my siblings for more B.J and Alec stories. These aren’t really stories about B.J and Alec, just memories that my siblings told me about. They aren’t my experiences so I can’t really give many details, but I will try!
B.J always handed in his homework on things that were not paper. By this I mean, he used to do this math homework during lunch time on the paper plate that had held his meal. It was always covered in ketchup and grease. The Next Albert Einstein bragged to his long time crush that did it on purpose because he was some kind of misunderstood genius. When the math teacher called home to complain, his father was actually proud that his dipshit of a son handed in homework on a dirty piece of garbage.
Alec was afraid of cats. I once went to a town sponsored barbeque when I was about ten and Alec was eight. All the children were playing and eating hot dogs on the playground when suddenly Alec and B.J showed up and wanted to be included. Everyone groaned because not only did they completely suck as playmates, but their mother insisted on joining in. She wanted to clime the monkey bars and be pushed on the swings with a bunch of elementary school kids. The kids all started packing up and walking away because no one wants to play with someone who’s 40, when all of a sudden a little stray cat trotted onto the playground. Alec immediately screamed and tried to climb his mother. He was enormously fat and kept accidentally kicking her. He made this great noise, some of like, “EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAHHHH EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAHHHH”. The cat freaked out and darted back into the woods. The mother tried to comfort her little snowflake, saying “It’s all right, mommy will protect you, mommy will scare it away”. He couldn’t be consoled, so his mom took him back to her their picnic blanket and snuggled him for the rest of the barbeque.

>>212838

/cwc/ is a pretty slow board. I'm pretty sure posts about trannies won't make it particularly difficult to spot Bwenden/Awec stories when the guy who posts them gets back.

>212856
Ah, a good, solid laugh. Thanks, I needed that.

>>212718
Prosthetic and Homosexual

>>212856

Any more?
I love this shit.

>>212856

Do you know what they're doing now, by any chance?

>>212520

The sad thing is, apart from his extreme self-homophobia, he's actually kind of a cool guy. Thin, looks normal, takes care of his appearance.

I never thought I'd say this about someone, but, he just needs a dick in the ass, badly. Get it over with and shut the hell up, I try to subtly tell him, Instead, he just sends me another rambling email manifesto.

Well, I'm not going to top Alec or Bwenden, but I'll pitch my IRL lolcow in anyway. He goes to Park University with my friend and I and we have some funny stories about him.

1. He's obviously a sperg, but he won't get treated for it.
2. He's a Tea Party supporter. This isn't necessarily bad on it's own, but combined with his obvious autism he's really bull-headed about it. He can't argue his points, he can't see things from other people's perspectives and he has a narrow viewpoint of the world that obviously won't be changed.
3. An atheist tried to debate him, but Tom (the lolcow's name) kept saying that "If you don't for something, you'll fall for anything" ad infinitum while completely ignoring what atheists are fighting for.
4. He would study all the time even though he got piss poor grades. My friend used to be a roommate of his and he would wake up at 3 in the morning and see Tom staring at him.
5. My friend was playing Ocarina of Time and Tom walks in breathing hard as if he was done fapping or something. He asked obvious questions like do you like the Zelda series. Also, he can't beat the Deku Tree. I'm not making this shit up. Then, my friend was playing Street Fighter and Tom says that he likes it. My friend asked him who his favorite character was and Tom says "The main character". So, pretty much this guy has no clue what he's talking about whenever he speaks.

I'll come up with more cocks later because I'm about to hit the sack, but I'll provide them because I have the screencap where he basically goes off about non-conformists being Communists.

>>213342
Sounds pretty typical but looks funny enough.
I can go for more.

>>213342

Why you got to hate on the scheckel meister bro? XD

>>213342
Not to defend the sperg or anything, but SF does have a main character in Ryu. Maybe that's who he was thinking of and couldn't remember his name.

>>213362
I don't see how somebody could even kinda sorta like Street Fighter and not know the name Ryu.

>>213363
I was about to say that perhaps a sperg wouldn't, but then it dawned on me that you're right. I need sleep.

>>211684
Phillip wasn't really a lolcow like Chris or ADF, but he was certainly a bit off.

Like i said, Phillip could be pretty aggressive if provoked, and it didn't take too much to set him up.

One time, a kid whispered "that guy walks weird" to his friend while Phil was in the hall, Phillip overheard him and slapped him across the face (not very hard, because y'know, cerebral palsy.) and called him a "limp-wristed douchebag", or some variation of that.

Phil always did that, he got really mean i situations that really didn't call for it, mostly because of his poor social skills.

Nobody ever hit him back, because he had cerebral palsy and lawyer parents. The latter fact is something he'd bring up whenever he hit someone or pushed them.

He wasn't vindictive, though. If he thought you were genuinely afraid or thought he'd actually hurt you, he'd apologize and stop. One time he made a girl cry, and it practically broke his heart.

She said something about slurring or limping or something, i dunno, but it wasn't in reference to Phil. Phillip, not knowing this, took offense and slammed his hands on her desk and yelled at her. Once she started crying, he was all like "s-sorry, i was just kidding, s-sorry..." and limped away.

He never hit or yelled at anyone after that.

This one's sort of lolcow material, though he was actually a pretty cool guy. When I was in Afghanistan, I was force protection for awhile. This consisted of standing out at the gate for 12 hours every day.

We worked with private security contractors, most of whom were from the Philippines. We called this guy Petong. Not sure if that was his real name or not.

Dude wasn't quite all there, and would say the most random shit. He was most lulz-worthy when he was reacting to shit we said, though. He would always overreact, and the expressions on his face were priceless. He was also always trying to hook us up with every single female relative he had.

The other dude I worked with was talking about trying to get him to come visit America sometime. I could only imagine how that would have gone down.

Found a pic of him on one of my SD cards, so I thought I'd include it.

>>213420
Damn, Afghanistan huh? What was that like? Kill anybody?

>>213342
>2. He's a Tea Party supporter. This isn't necessarily bad on it's own, but combined with his obvious autism he's really bull-headed about it. He can't argue his points, he can't see things from other people's perspectives and he has a narrow viewpoint of the world that obviously won't be changed.

So, typical Tea Party member?

>>213420

You should go back, capture some afghan lolcows and troll them for our entertainment. It's your patriotic duty.

>>212833

No, what a simple Google search shows is that there is a single controversial case involving an 11-year-old child whose parents are giving him hormone blockers, most asserting that it is without the aid of a doctor since no doctor has been spoken to (there is no proof there isn't a doctor administering the drugs, however, want to point that out). So the person who originally said that reputable docs don't give hormone blockers to young kids was right. Also, you're absolutely wrong that when a kid is "past puberty" that hormone blockers can't do much - trannies take them all the time, in particular m2f trannies. In your words, a simple Google search would tell you that.

>>213433
Afghanistan. I'd call it a wretched hive, but that would be an insult to Mos Eisely. Crazy hot in the summer, balls cold in the winter. Kabul (where the pic was taken) is a clusterfuck. There's actual human shit in the air (mixed with lots of diesel fumes) and nobody can drive. IOW, it's sorta like a real life version of /b/ (with slightly better hygiene, of course).

As for the second question: I saw fuck-all action while I was over there. It was weird, there was shit happening near where we were all the time, but never right at our location. And to top it off, there was a suicide bombing last year and I recognized the exact location from the news photos. I was like "holy shit! I've been down that fuckin' road before!"

>>213465

Well I'm not sure what google you were searching on, but here:

http://www.endo-society.org/guidelines/final/upload/endocrine-treatment-of-transsexual-persons.pdf

These are the clinical guidelines on the administration of hormones to transexuals, as outlined in the journal of clinical endocrinology (riveting stuff, I know). Anyway, skip to page 13.