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No. 37316
Part three of Sheridan/the Poet story.
So, last thursday (not a WACKY MEME, literally last thursday) Bird, Zoey and I went on a memorable date double-date with Sheridan/The Poet.
I agreed to meet Bird and The Poet at the mall with my date bright and early. I helped Zoey get gussied up and convincingly female, and we arrived around 11 AM. We strolled into the mall, alerted our counterparts that we had arrived, and went hunting for them.
We found Bird and Sheridan sitting at a table in the food court.
This was the first good look I got at him. He had buzz-cut blond hair, which was incredibly greasy looking. He was about 5'11'', with a noticeable and fairly unpleasant gut hanging over his belt. He was wearing a pair of glasses that did not quite fit his nose, and had an unpleasant, half-formed moustache.
He reached into his jean-jacket, exposing a large pocket on the inside which contained a two-liter bottle of mountain dew. He pulled it out and took a hefty swig of it. Me and Zoey gripped hands tightly and approached the table.
I introduced myself to him, and firmly shook one of his very sweaty hands. He glanced at Zoey oddly, very nearly realizing that she was in fact a he, but it turns out he had missed it entirely. At this point, we established our roles: Zoey was my completely silent girlfriend, I was an old friend of Bird's, and Bird was Sheridan's ditzy piece of arm-candy.
My first conversation with Sheridan went a bit like this. "So, what is it you do, Sheridan?"
"Whatever I want, whenever," he said. "I do things randomly and spontaneously."
"Wow, that sounds pretty wacky," I responded, deadpan.
"It is!" he said. "I'm as free as a bird!"
At this point, it was completely clear that he was entirely unemployed, and he seemed to have a taste for the word random.
I told him I was a bit of an amateur psychologist. He perked up a little at this, and told me that he was good at getting people to "shut off their minds and open their hearts." He then took hold of my face, told me to concentrate, and said the whole fucking thing over again:
"Close your eyes. You are in the dark, and there is a light above you. You hear the voice of someone you loved, and maybe lost, and they tell you everything you want to hear."
I played it up, big time. Whilst biting my tongue and trying not to chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all, I managed to make anguished expressions, possibly even choke out a single tear. He told me he had felt my pain, and it was deep and dark, and that I needn't tell him any of it.
He was very obviously full of shit at this point.
We navigated the mall for a little while. He was constantly finding ways to put his hands on his date. She would glance at us from time to time when he was distracted, and we would all wince communally.
Me and Zoey had an agenda for figuring out how deep the sperginess went. We took him to Gamestop, where he pulled Bird over to the fps section and attempted to tell his date all about nazi zombies, and how much he loved call of duty, and how he was going to pre-order the next one etc etc. We ended up getting him out of there pretty fast because it was fairly painful.
Part one of the scripted stuff started right about now. I mentioned that I was going to be spending the weekend at the beach. Bird, in the most airheaded voice she could muster, shrieked "I LOVE THE BEECH!" This more or less set the backdrop for what we would do later.
Shortly afterwards, we figured we should grab our tickets for the movie and find a good seat. Since it was titanic 3D, however, the theatre was deserted.
We grabbed a seat and loudly made fun of commercials and engaged each other in conversation while we waited.
Bird made a remark about an outfit in one of the trailers, saying it would be a hassle to change into. Sheridan responded by saying "IF I SAW YOU CHANGE INTO THAT OUTFIT IT WOULD BE LIKE, UH, NOSEBLEED ANIME STYLE."
I asked him if he was into anime, at all. I have been known to dabble, but it's not the best.
His response, in a horrid attempt at a japanese accent: "TWO WORDS: NARUTO UZUMAKI."
I started to say "oh, naruto!" (total piece of shit anime but everyone knows that) when he cut me off.
"WAIT WAIT, LET ME FINISH. BLEACH, WITCHBLADE, GUNSLINGING GIRL, (some other shit i dont remember.)"
Zoey whispers in my ear to ask him about Gurren Lagann. He hadn't heard of it. We decided to push it a bit farther. I asked if he had seen any Studio Ghibli films (spirited away, ponyo, etc). He hadn't heard of those, either. I feel like a bit of a hipster for being displeased about this, but.... I found it a tad disgusting.
That was when the trailer for Madagascar 3 came on. The animals are lost somewhere, they're going to join the circus, and oh look, the zebra has a rainbow afro. I'm not going into it. I'm going to assume everyone has come into contact with the comedic black hole that is the "afro circus" ad campaign.
Sheridan starts laughing. Starts out as a giggle, when he sees the zebra donning the afro wig, but as it progresses into that abysmal song, he starts heartily chuckling. It fills the theatre. I grit my teeth and squeeze Zoey's hand.
He then tells us, out of the blue, about how good he is at analyzing poetry. Sheridan turns to me and says, "hey, i totally read between the lines in macbeth's should i or should i not speech."
I go, "do you mean Hamlet's To Be or Not To Be speech?"
"Yeah that one!" He says, "I totally read between the lines of that poem! And then I wrote a piece about what he was really trying to say! The teacher almost gave me a C on it!"
He beamed with pride. Now, I don't care a whole lot for Shakespeare, but if you're a poet, that's not really a quote you fuck up.
Titanic starts. Sheridan blurts out during the opening sequence with the submarine: "wow it looks OLD," didn't it sink during the 60's?
Bird, acting puzzled, remarks that it was "maybe earlier." He revises his guess to the 40s.
Then one of the characters presents a document they found in the wreck, dated 1912 or so.
"NOh WHAAAAAAAY" grumbles Sheridan loudly.
Part two of the scripted shit kicked in right about here. Leonardo diCaprio makes eye contact with our lovely female lead. Sheridan goes to slip his arm around Bird, but realizes with a start that mine has been quietly and strategically placed there before him. He then opts to take one of her hands in both hands, and rest it between his legs, bending her arm at a strange angle and pulling it uncomfortably across a fixed armrest.
She succeeded in freeing her hand a number of times throughout the movie, but every time he would find a way to pull it back, and at an odder angle. Towards the end, she began sitting in positions where the hand was not as available.
The movie continues quietly. Me and Zoey quietly crack shitty jokes about it, seeing as it's a chick-flick. Sheridan seems incredibly into it, and Bird is relatively unaffected by the whole ordeal.
Then we get to the scene where our handsome male lead Jack must draw a nude picture of his new girlfriend. She removes her garb, revealing her breasts in EYEPOPPING 3D. Sheridan loudly whispers down our whole row "IM TRYING NOT TA GET HORNY HERE, ITS A LEGITIMATE PROBLEM FOR ME."
At which point he takes another swig from his mountain dew, and we all chuckle quietly to ourselves.
Then we get to the deaths. The ship sinks. Shit gets real. Everyone seems unaffected, minus Sheridan. When the first deaths occur, he loudly announces "HERE COMES THE SAD PART. I REALLY HATE THE SAD PART. I HOPE I DONT CRY I DONT LIKE TO CRY." He forced the nice-guy persona very hard.
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