Episode 1: Escape to Party Paradise (Pilot) Originally written by Anthony LoGatto Rewritten By Homor Script Written: 04-04-12 Script Completed: [Opening Teaser] Narrator: Tonight on Life in the '80s - (Cut to a shot of a ridiculously muscular warrior in He-Man armor fighting a dragon.) Narrator: Can Baldar The Great defeat Mankar and save the realm of light? Random Voice (monotone): Uh, Paul? That show didn't get picked up, remember? Narrator (monotone): Oh right, sorry. (Cut to a shot of a bunch of guys in black suits holding guns at eachother.) Narrator: Can Decetive Winterson stay undercover and find the killer? Random Voice (monotone): No, that show's gone too. Narrator (monotone): Luke, these cue cards you gave me are out of date. Random Voice (monotone): Yeah sorry, that was a studio mixup, the one for this show should be the fifth one. (The sound of papers being thrown around is heard.) Narrator (monotone): Ah, here we go, now I've got it. (Cut to a picture of Andy Kaufman's face.) Narrator: Tonight on Life in The '80s, a very special tribute to the late entertainer Chris Farley. Random Voice (monotone): No, the FIFTH card, Paul! Narrator (monotone): This IS the fifth card! Random Voice (monotone): That's not even Chris Farley, that's Andy Kaufman! Narrator (monotone): Who gives a crap? They were both terrible. Random Voice: Forget it, just start the damn show. (cue opening and the accompanying theme song. It shows our main characters posing for the camera as their names appear on the screen.) [Act 1 - Introduction] (We see teenaged kid with scruffy black hair, the covers are all messed up and he looks like he's been uncomfortable all night, he's drooling a little.) Kid: (Snoring) (There's a knock on his door. We hear a middle-aged woman talking through it.) Woman: Jamie? Jamie It's time to get up, you don't wanna be late for your first day of school! (Jamie gets up, his eyes are bloodshot and he looks rather sickly.) Jamie: (rubbing his head) Ugh, my head is killing me. (Switch to a brief montage of Jamie getting ready for school, stuff like picking a shirt, combing his hair (which stays frizzy anyway) and screwing around with toy boats in the bathtub. Finally, we see him brushing his teeth.) (Jamie brushes his teeth, then suddenly stops and rubs his head again. Jamie: Ahh! Damn, what i do last night? (Smash cut to last night, Jamie is at a buffet table with some unnamed background kid eating at a party. A big banner behind them reads "Goodbye Summer Vacation!") Kid: Hey Jamie, i bet you can't eat thirty pounds of shrimp! Jamie: That's what YOU think! (Jamie begins to scarf down the shrimp like an animal.) (Cut back to Jamie, he's banging his head on the wall next to the mirror.) Jamie: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! (Switch to Jamie, now fully prepared for school, standing outside on a street corner in front of his apartment building. The background looks like it's somewhere in Staten Island, New York. He's wearing a black shirt and a blue jacket.) (There's a brief moment of silence as Jamie waits around, with a little background noise like cars driving, construction work, maybe a couple arguing.) Jamie: ...Where's Phil? I'm gonna be late. (We hear a car horn beep twice.) (Cut to a blonde haired kid in a red Hawaiian shirt pulling up next to Jamie in a really snazzy red convertable, "The Wanderer" By Dio plays on the car radio as the kid pulls in. The whole scene happens in a really cool looking camera angle.) (Jamie, completely flabbergasted, is checking out the car while feeling around it.) Jamie: Phil? Phil Tuesday, is that you? Phil: Yep, in the flesh. (Jamie gets in the car and Phil turns the radio down.) Jamie: How'd you get this car, Phil? I didn't even know you had your license yet. Phil: Not my my license, my main man. My learner's permit. (Phil flashes his learner's permit at Jamie.) I got this babe as a gift from my dad to celebrate. Jamie: Oh yeah, your dad owns a used car dealership right? Phil: Yep, and my dad says this is a real sweet ride, only three people ever died in it! (Phil starts to drive off with Jamie, Jamie starts rubbing his head again.) Jamie: Oh man, my head hurts so bad. Phil: After what you did last night, i'm not surprised. (Flashback to that scene with Jamie at the buffet table, he's sitting down looking really nauseous, the kid from before is rubbing his shoulder.) Jamie: Ugh, i'm never eating shrimp again. (Phil comes over a bottle of olive oil in his hand.) Phil: Hey Jamie, i bet you won't drink this whole bottle of olive oil! (Jamie suddenly perks up as he grabs the olive oil out of Phil's hand, the other kid makes a wicked smile.) Jamie: That's what YOU think! (Switch back to Phil and Jamie in the car, Jamie's burying his face into his hands. Phil turns the radio off.) Jamie: Ughhhh... Phil: C'mon stupid, we gotta go pick up the other guys.